


Why do you Care?

by Crazy_dreamer95



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clarke is a personal carer, Eventual Smut, F/F, Friendship, Lexa's mum has a genetic disability, Slow Burn, TW - Self Harm mention, a little bit of angst, lexa doesn't die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 37,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6219523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazy_dreamer95/pseuds/Crazy_dreamer95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the last ten years, Lexa had been her mum’s primary carer. Cracking under the pressure of caring for her mum, going to uni, and working a part time job, she hires a personal carer. Lexa expects a middle aged woman with four children, but is pleasantly surprised when she meets Clarke Griffin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, this is my first Clexa fanfic, and my first time publishing on this site. Would appreciate any feedback or comments. Most of the things that occur in this story will be based upon my own experiences as a disability support worker, so all efforts will be made to depict scenes as accurately as possible :) 
> 
> I will aim to update once a week! Let me know what you think.
> 
> P.S. I'm still getting used to the format of this site, so sorry if the structure is weird <3

‘Trained personal carer working with agency, currently seeking employment – please contact if interested’

Lexa Woods paused at the noticeboard outside the café at the university she attended. She tended to glance over the ads while waiting for her toasted sandwich at lunch, though nothing usually caught her eye. The advertisements were always the same – seeking participants for research, advertising rooms for rent, selling second hand books, meeting locations for the Spanish club, nothing out of the ordinary and nothing of interest. Until today.

For the last ten years Lexa had been her mum’s primary carer. Confined to a wheelchair due to a genetic disorder, Annette Woods’ physical condition was deteriorating by the week. There was no treatment, no cure, nothing to slow down the process. For the last five years the aim of Annette’s care was to reduce pain and discomfort by maintaining a strict pain management routine. There was nothing that could be done, and Lexa knew that it was just a matter of time before the disease claimed her mum.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to care for her mum, although Lexa would not admit that to anybody who asked, or offered help. She had cared for her by herself for this long, and had intended to for as long as possible. With her work at the local cinema and classes almost everyday, she was struggling to provide the care she felt her mum deserved. Lexa was always home in the morning to get Annette out of bed, shower and dress her, fix her breakfast and lunch, before heading out. She was always home to watch some TV with her in the evening, eat dinner together, administer her medication, and get her into bed. She was always there. No matter how busy her life seemed to be, Lexa always made sure she found time to help her mum.

At this moment in time, hiring a carer would help a lot. It would mean that Annette would have someone there during the day if she needed help, and could get out of the house to socialise. It would mean that Lexa might be able to have respite for one day a week. It would change their lives.

Lexa slumped her shoulders and let out a long sigh, the stressors of the week catching up with her. Perhaps it was time to reach out for help. She pulled off a tab with a name and phone number on it and slipped it into her pocket.

She would contact the person tonight.

_‘Please don’t be a serial killer.’_

\----

Clarke opened the door to her apartment and dropped her bag to the floor with a frustrated grunt.

“What’s got you down in the dumps?” Her roommate Raven asked, glancing up from the textbook sitting on her lap. Clarke grabbed an apple from the bench and sat down next to Raven, peeling the sticker off and placing it on her arm.

The two girls had met during the first week at university. Clarke was sitting in a lecture when Raven came limping in late, took the first seat next to Clarke, and quickly pulled out her notebook. Half an hour later Raven had tapped Clarke’s shoulder and whispered “this is not my subject…this is not fundamental of engineering.” While some people may have found the experience daunting and embarrassing, Raven had taken it in her stride and sat through the whole lecture taking notes, claiming that if she were there, she may as well learn something. Clarke had no idea that morning that she would meet her future best friend that day.

“I spent the whole day putting flyers around uni” she responded in between mouthfuls of apple. “Since I was taken off of Robyn’s service, I’ve been getting less than 12 hours of work a week. I need a new client.”

“So you thought putting up flyers was the best idea?” Raven turned to her friend and raised an eyebrow “you do realise that people will probably think you’re a serial killer or something?”

Clarke groaned and sunk back into the coach, resting her feet on the coffee table “I honestly don’t care what people think, I am so desperate. Besides, if anybody contacts me I’ll just take my resume, then they can contact the agency and learn that I am not a serial killer.”

Clarke had been working part time as a personal carer while she studied art history at university. Her mum had pushed for medical school, professing that Clarke had the knowledge, dedication and prestige to become a doctor. However, Clarke knew that art was her true passion, and that she would be happy doing nothing else. Still, Clarke enjoyed personal caring – she found it rewarding to be able to help people who weren’t in a situation to be able to help themselves. Unfortunately, work had been slow lately. A month ago she was taken off the service of a regular client, Robyn for reasons unknown to her. Another client had hired a live in nurse, so didn’t need personal care as often as before, and another was cutting back her hours because she couldn’t afford Clarke.

If it weren’t for Raven working two jobs, there would be no way the pair could afford rent. Money was getting thin though, and they both knew they couldn’t live day to day much longer. If worst came to the worst, Clarke knew she could ask her mum for some financial assistance, but also knew that the help would not be given without a stern talking to about “managing time” and “working below your potential”.

Clarke picked up one of her textbooks from the coffee table and was opening it when her phone rang. Not recognising the number, she swiped to answer and lifted the phone to her ear – “hello?”

“Hello, is this Clarke Griffin?” The person on the other line asked, a hint of suspicion in her tone.

“Yes it is, who’s speaking?”

“My name is Lexa Woods, I’m calling in response to your advertisement – I was wondering if you were still looking for work?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke meets with Lexa to find out if she's a serial killer. HINT: she's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I tried to get this up earlier in the week but was busy with work and uni. But it's here. Thanks everyone for the kudos and comments - I really appreciate the feedback :D Also, a condition is mentioned in this chapter, Friedreich's Ataxia. This is a rare neurological condition with no treatment or cure. One of my client's has lived with the condition for more than 30 years now, so what I'm writing in terms of the caring process is based upon what I've learnt getting to know her in the last year.   
> Hope you like it :)

Clarke had been waiting at the café for approximately half an hour when a young brunette walked through the door. She held her breath, hoping that this was the elusive Lexa Wood, and sighed in disappointment when the girl greeted another man and sat down with him. At the table behind her, Clarke heard Raven stifle a laugh. She turned around and shot her a glare, to which Raven responded by raising her hands in surrender.

“You know, you didn’t need to come with me” Clarke hissed, her eyes narrowed to slits.

“Well sorry for trying to keep you from getting murdered” Raven responded, raising the book she was reading to cover her face, effectively cutting short their conversation.

Clarke ran a hand through her hair and rested her elbows on the table. She had agreed to meet Lexa at a café a short distance from uni at 2pm. It was now 2.25pm and there was no sign of her prospective employer anywhere.

“I’ll give it five more minutes” she mumbled to herself, taking the last sip of her coffee “then we’re out of here.”

\----

Lexa was meant to leave work at 1pm. That was when she was rostered to end and she had never finished any later than rostered. Of course sometimes things don’t go the way you plan.

Of course the day that she had to leave on time was the one day that somebody passed out in the cinema.

Of course Lexa was the only first aid officer on shift.

So of course now Lexa was running late to a very important meeting. She had asked Clarke Griffin to meet her at 2pm. Running down the street and glancing at her watch, she cursed when she saw it was 2.26pm. She didn’t even pause when she reached the café, merely ran up to the door and pushed it open, standing for a moment inside to catch her breath and look around.

A blonde sitting at a table looking bored looked up hopefully with a small smile.

“Lexa?” She asked, moving to stand up.

Lexa walked forward, her hand outstretched and reaching for Clarke’s. “Yes, I’m Lexa. You must be Clarke” she pulled a seat out across from the other girl and sat down wearily. “I must apologise for my tardiness – there was an emergency at work that needed to be taken care of.”

“That’s not a problem – these things happened” Clarke said, waving a hand dismissively. “Would you like a coffee? I mean, I’ve already had two today so I could go for another one, and you look like you need something to keep you going.”

Lexa smirked, imagining how dishevelled she must’ve looked – surely there were stray hairs escaping from her neat ponytail, her eyeliner was probably smudged, and her face red from the run over. She stood up and took her purse out of her small backpack. “What are you drinking?”

\----

The first thing that Lexa learnt about Clarke was that she probably had the world’s most bubbly personality. She spoke a lot with her hands, and seemed to ramble and go off topic sometimes. But she was always smiling. Clarke had the type of smile that reached her eyes and made her entire body light up with joy.

“So I’ve been a personal carer for about a year now” Clarke said, swirling what was left of her coffee around. “I work with an agency but they haven’t been given me many hours lately, and to be honest I got pretty desperate.”

“I was curious as to why you had put flyers up in the community” Lexa replied, a small grin tugging at the corners of her lips. “I assume you have the correct documentation and qualifications?”

“Yes!” Clarke quickly pulled a manila folder from her backpack and opened it up in front of her, handing Lexa a piece of paper at a time. “Ok so we have my first aid certificate, CPR certificate, certificate 4 in disability support services, my CV, and a list of references from previous clients and my agency.”

Lexa took the papers and started reading through them. On first impressions, Clarke seemed like the type of person who would be perfect for Annette Woods. She was smart, funny, engaging, had plenty of experience, and could crack a joke at the right moment. “I’ll have a talk to mum about all of this tonight. We’re kind of new to the whole process of finding a carer.”

Not at all phased, Clarke smiled before responding “no problem, take your time. These things are important to think through, but I just want you to know that I will take care of your mum to the best of my abilities.”

Lexa raised her head and was shocked by the emotion etched into Clarke’s features. “She’s not getting any better” Lexa blurted out in a rush “and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

For a moment, Lexa sat stunned by her outpouring of emotion. She was not usually like this, having developed a strong grasp on her emotions after learning the extent of her mum’s disability. In silence, Clarke reached across the table and gently placed her hand on Lexa’s arm, soft enough to remind her that she was not alone. “That’s where I come in.”

\----

“It’s just me mum!” Lexa called out as she stepped into the house. It was a small three bedroom house on half a block. Her parents had purchased the house a year after Lexa was born – just two months before Annette started showing symptoms of Friedreich’s Ataxia, a genetic disease causing progressive damage to the nervous system. Her father had left soon after the diagnosis. For the most part of Lexa’s life, her mum had been in a wheelchair. Prior to that she used a walking frame and would walk Lexa to school. Once she was in the wheelchair, she would sit the small girl on her lap to make a game out of her deteriorating condition. Now she had trouble even standing from her wheelchair to transfer to the toilet.

It was hard to watch. It was hard for Lexa to get up everyday knowing that any day could be her mum’s last. Her Uncle Gustus had lived with the same condition. One night during his sleep his heart just stopped. That was the insidious thing about Friedreich’s Ataxia, there was no way of knowing when it would take you.

Lexa could hear the creaking of wheels from the other end of the house followed by “down here Lexa.”

“Sorry I’m late mum” Lexa apologised as she leant down to drop a kiss on Annette’s cheek. “I had to meet up with someone after work.”

Annette grinned and clumsily lifted a hand to her daughter’s cheek “no need to apologise. You need to have a life too.”

Lexa sat down and took a calming breath “actually mum, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

\----

“I’ll just teach her what to do” Lexa explained as she grasped her mum’s hips and helped lift her from the wheelchair onto her bed. “She’s already got experience and she seems very kind.”

On autopilot, Lexa bent down and held onto Annette’s ankles, carefully swinging them over the top of the bed side-rail, before twisting her hips so she was lying straight in bed. Annette smiled as Lexa pushed her up the bed and started handing her everything she would need for the night.

“I think a carer would be a great idea” Annette said, taking her iPad with shaky hands and placing it on her lap. “It would give you some time to look after yourself, maybe even go out every once in a while, do thinks normal twenty year olds do.”

“I am a normal twenty year old, mum” Lexa sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing Annette’s legs to help relieve the pain that came at night.

Annette chuckled and swatted Lexa on the arm “no you’re not. Most twenty year olds don’t stay in every night to look after their disabled mum. Most twenty year olds don’t stay home during the holidays to keep their mum company. Most twenty year olds don’t-”

“Ok mum” Lexa interrupted with a smirk “so I’m not like most other twenty year olds. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my life. You know that I chose to do this. Nobody forced me.”

“And I love you impossibly more every single day” Annette raised her arms for a hug that Lexa easily fell into. “Goodnight, you go get some rest now.”

That night as Lexa sat on her bed, she couldn’t help but wonder how much Clarke Griffin could change their lives. With the thought of peace on her mind, she slept through the night for the first time in months.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke meets Annette Woods and learns what she's getting herself into

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the later update again! I've been so busy with uni and work, which is a bummer! Also. I sat down and wrote a one-shot last night that I uploaded, so if you're interested in the whole 'Clarke has nightmares' thing, please check it out and leave some feedback :) 
> 
> Thanks again for the support and I hope you enjoy this. Starting off a bit slow and with little interaction between Clexa, but will get more into it in future chapters :) 
> 
> Happy Easter if you celebrate easter.

“That went well” Clarke said, breaking the silence in the apartment. Raven smirked and twirled some spaghetti around her fork.

“I still get this feeling she could be a serial killer” she mused, squaring her features when Clarke choked back a laugh. “I’m serious! The way she was looking at some people – I swear if looks could kill.”

“She’s got a lot going on Raven” Clarke sighed and rested her head in her hands “I think I’m going to take the job. I’m meeting her mum tomorrow morning to see if she likes me, and if all goes well I’ll be working by Saturday.”

The two girls finished their dinner in relative silence, chit chatting about their days, with Raven complaining about a major assignment she had to finish by midnight that she hadn’t started yet. It amazed Clarke how Raven always seemed to be able to get good grades, despite the fact that she rarely studied and would complete all of her assignments at the last minute. That was the beauty of having a natural knack for something. Learning came relatively easy for Raven. Clarke on the other hand had always struggled with understanding and retaining information. This was why she enjoyed being able to paint. It was something that came naturally to her.

Clarke lay on her bed, her head propped up slightly by her hands resting behind her. In her mind she ran through potential scenarios for meeting Annette Woods tomorrow.

  1. She could be a serial killer using her beautiful daughter Lexa to bring innocent young victims to her house
  2. She was a grumpy woman who did not want to accept help
  3. There would be nothing Clarke could do help, and she would just have to sit there and hope for the best
  4. Clarke would discover that she was far out of her range of experience and would not be able to provide the level of care required   
  
Or  

  5. Everything would go perfectly and Clarke would have a new client by the weekend.



Only time would tell.

\----

Lexa woke up at 7.30am on the dot. She sat up in bed and grabbed the bottle of water by her bedside table, taking a couple of large gulps to help wake her up. Standing up, she did some light stretching, rolling her shoulders and reaching down to touch her toes. If there was one thing she learnt over the years, it was that having warmed up muscles helped a great deal when caring for someone.

Of course Lexa had learnt this the hard way.

She grimaced when she twisted and felt a twinge in her lower back, an injury that occurred when turning her body incorrectly while transferring Annette from the bed to the wheelchair.

Picking up her iPod, she walked to the bathroom across the hall from her bedroom and began to undress, neatly placing her pyjamas in a pile by the sink. She hooked up her iPod to the speakers she left in there and picked her ‘shower’ playlist. Stepping into the shower, she sighed from the instant relief of warm water running down her back, instantly soothing the ache.

For three minutes she sang along to Led Zeppelin and lost herself in the tranquillity of being alone. It was only in the shower that Lexa allowed her shoulders to slump and her calm façade to fade. Even if it was only for three minutes, a moment of weakness and emotion was better than none at all.

\----

Clarke raised her fist and knocked on the door, checking the address Lexa had given her for what felt like the 100th time. She nervously shuffled on her feet and glanced around at her surroundings. The property was modest. There was a small front yard with a garden bed running along the window to the left of the door. The concrete on the driveway was faded and cracking from age and heat. Leaning next to the door was a pushbike, rust beginning to collect on the spokes and handlebars. A ramp had been installed by the door, but looked like it was not used regularly judging by the lack of wear.  

Clarke pulled back her shoulders and plastered a smile on her face when she heard footsteps approaching the door.

“Good morning Clarke” Lexa greeted as she held the door open for her to walk in “I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”

“Morning – no need to apologise. Shoes off?” she asked, already toeing off her black tennis shoes.

Lexa nodded and seemed to shuffle anxiously on the spot. “Mum’s excited to meet you. I told her about you and she has read through your CV. Today she’ll mainly just want to tell you a bit about her condition, and gage whether you feel you will be able to cope ok.”

“Awesome” Clarke responded, nodding her head in agreement.

“Ok, well” Lexa clasped her hands in front of her before gesturing down a hallway. “Shall we?”

\----

Annette was waiting for the two girls in the lounge room, her wheelchair positioned to face the couch. She turned and smiled with welcome when they entered the room and started to wheel towards Clarke.

“Hi” she greeted, slowly lifting her hand out to grasp Clarke’s. “I’m Annette, it’s nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure is mine” Clarke responded, noticing how limp and heavy Annette’s arm felt “I’m Clarke Griffin, thank-you so much for this opportunity.”

“Take a seat” Annette said, her aim flailing slightly as she gestured towards the couch. She waited for Clarke and Lexa to sit before she began. “So I’m going to get straight into it. We don’t do bullshit in this house. I prefer the ‘quick like a bandaid’ approach.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh “I appreciate straightforwardness and not beating around the bush.”

“I like you already” Annette smiled and continued “has Lexa told you much about my condition?”

Lexa shook her head and answered, “no mum, I thought I would leave that up to you, you are the expert after all.”

“Ok, so I have a disease known as Friedreich’s Ataxia, chances are you’ve never heard of it. It’s pretty rare.  It’s a neurological condition that is progressively damaging my nervous system. It starts with balance and coordination problems, eventually progressing to the inability to walk, the loss of fine and then gross motor skills, heart disease, and diabetes. I was diagnosed when I was 27. Lexa was very young” Annette took a calming breath and smiled at her daughter. “She’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Mum-” Lexa tried to cut in, a faint blush rising on her cheeks.

“No Lexa I’m serious.” Annette turned back to Clarke and said “Lexa has cared for me every single day for the last ten years. If it wasn’t for her, I would’ve been in a nursing home years ago. She’s always helping me with my physical therapy and is my encouragement to get out of bed every morning.”

“It sounds like you do quite a lot” Clarke commented to Lexa “where do you find the hours in the day to do so much?”

“She works herself near to death, that’s how she finds the hours!” Annette joked, though Clarke could sense a hint of seriousness in her tone. “I can’t remember the last time she went out with friends.”

“I went out just last week with friends” Lexa attempted to defend herself, crossing her arms over her chest.

“No” Annette disagreed, shaking her head with a laugh “you went to the pharmacy to pick up my scripts and you just so happened to bump into Anya while you were there.”

Lexa huffed “whatever.”

“Well I’ll be happy to help out” Clarke offered, glancing between the two other women “if you would like me, that is.”

Annette lent forward to grasp one of Clarke’s hands, while the other held onto the arm rest on the wheelchair for balance. “We would love to have you. But the question is – do you think you can handle this?”

Clarke didn’t even think twice before she nodded – “yes, I reckon I can.”

Annette grinned and leant back in her chair, while Lexa let out of breath she didn’t realise she was holding.

It was Lexa who broke the silence, looking at Clarke for the first time since she arrived, “welcome to the mad house.”

\----

Lexa had only just left the room to make her mum a cup of tea when Annette turned to Clarke, her expression devoid of the laughter that was emitted only moments ago.

“I’m dying Clarke” she stated simply, holding up a hand when Clarke opened her mouth to apologise. “I’m dying and there’s nothing that I can do about that. It’s only a matter of time now, it’s a miracle I made it this far. I can see it starting though – my brother had the same condition, and I remember when he started to deteriorate. I can see it in myself. I’ve accepted it.” She sighed and glanced towards the kitchen where the kettle boiled loudly, leaving Lexa completely in ignorance of the conversation. “Lexa will struggle. I’m all she has. I know that it’s asking a lot, but you two are around the same age and go to the same university. Is there any chance that you could get to know her a bit? Just so she knows that she’s not alone. Because I worry about her a lot. She went through a very rough couple of years and I almost lost her. I can’t have her alone in this, because she will lose herself.”

Clarke contemplated the proposal. She had only known Lexa for two days and had yet to form an opinion about her. She seemed tense and withdrawn, her smile never seeming to reach her eyes. For a fleeting moment the thought ran through her mind to stand up and walk away. Then she saw the desperate look in Annette’s eyes.

“I don’t know what else to do” she admitted, barely above a whisper.

“I’ll do it” Clarke responded, nodding slowly and taking in what she had just committed to.

_‘I just have to make friends with her’_ she thought _‘shouldn’t be hard’_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke starts work and Lexa watches a Deep Sea Creatures documentary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to be late with the update (and a short update too) things have been super hectic with uni and work - as well as the fact that I'm had so many ideas for other fanfics running around in my head! Thanks everyone for the comments and kudos.

Clarke leant against the wall behind her bed and pulled her laptop to sit on her thighs. She opened up google and began searching for information about Annette’s condition. Surprisingly, there was not a lot of information online. A lot of it was limited to defining the condition and determining its cause, but there was little regarding its treatment or how to care for a sufferer.

“So I’m going in blind’ she mumbled to herself, shutting her laptop and shimmying down into her bed “great.”

\----

Clarke’s first shift ran smoothly, mainly consisting of learning how to get Annette from the bed to shower chair, and then from shower chair to the wheelchair. Lexa was very efficient, and her years of experience showed.

Despite knowing that Clarke was quite capable, Lexa was hovering throughout the morning, obviously not sure what to do with herself.

“You should go out Lexa” Annette commented while she ate her breakfast. “I think Clarke has everything under control.”

“I don’t have any plans today” she replied, pulling her long hair into a messy ponytail.

“Call Costia? I know you’ve been wanting to sort things out with her.”

Lexa took a steadying breath before responding tightly “she doesn’t want to speak to me, so I’m going to leave it.” She sat down on a chair next to her mum, “I’ll just stay here, in case you need me.”

Clarke cleared her throat and smiled warmly at Lexa “I have everything down-pat I think. If you would like to stay, that’s fine, but if you would like to go out, or chill or whatever you do with yourself, that’s fine too.”

Lexa nodded. “I’m not used to this.”

“We’ll get used to it” Annette said, reaching across the table to squeeze Lexa’s hand.

“I’ll just go down to the library to study, but I’ll see you before you leave Clarke.” Lexa slung a bag over her shoulder and hesitantly began walking to the door. “Would you be able to lock me out?”

“Sure” Clarke responded, setting down the tea towel she was holding.

When they were at the door, Lexa turned to her – “so remember she has her medications at 12pm before food. Also remember to check her blood glucose, the sliding scale is on the table, the insulin is in the fridge. If she’s a bit low make sure she eats all of her lunch, if not it’s ok if she leaves a little bit.” She said in one breath before pausing as if to remember more. “And. No full cream milk. Only low fat.”

“Got it” Clarke smiled and held the door open “we’ll be fine. You have a great day Lexa.”

“Yeah, you too.”

\----

Lexa rarely had the opportunity to spend any time alone, now that she had the time she wanted nothing more than to be with Annette. She closed the textbook in front of her and groaned. She had an essay due in two days and she was yet to figure out how to begin it. Raising her arms above her head, she sighed when her spine gave a satisfying pop, before she stood up and walked to a bookshelf.

Lexa scanned the titles and saw the book she was looking for on the top shelf. She grasped a lower shelf with her left hand, and reached high with her right, standing on one foot because she always thought that helped. Before her fingers could even brush the spine of the book, she lost her balance and landed in a heap on the floor.

“Damn” she hissed under her breath, gingerly standing up, holding onto the wrist that took the majority of her fall. “Stupid book.”

\----

Clarke pushed Annette through the shopping centre, stopping at a small café for a coffee. Annette held her cup in shaky hands and brought it up to her lips with a smile.

“It’s lovely to get out and about” she commented “Lexa tries her best to take me out but it’s so hard with her working and studying.”

“I bet” Clarke agreed, pouring herself a cup of tea from the pot on the table.

“She’s been very tired lately – having to stay up late to finish assignments because she spends all day looking after me. I can’t help but feel like a burden.”

“Oh Annette, I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“Things will get better now that you’re here, she’ll finally get to have a break from everything.”

\----

By the time Lexa got home, Annette and Clarke were sitting at the dining room table going through a pile of paperwork that Lexa hadn’t gotten around to filing.

“Put this one in the tax folder, and this one in the one labelled ‘wheelchair’.” Annette said, handing Clarke two pieces of paper.

“Hey mum” Lexa called from down the hall, putting her bag down on the side of the couch “and Clarke.”

“Hi Lex!” Her mum replied, leaning back in her chair to see Lexa walking towards her “how was your day?”

“Not bad thanks” Lexa said, pulling up a chair next to Clarke “I just went to the library, fell over though and jarred my wrist.” She smiled as she raised her hand, showing the swelling that was forming. Clarke turned and reached out for Lexa’s hand.

“May I?” She asked, getting a nod from Lexa in response. “Tell me if it hurts.” Carefully, Clarke moved Lexa’s injured hand from side to side, up and down, and around in circles, watching her face for any sign of pain.

“It hurts a bit” Lexa commented, her face remaining as impassive as ever “but nothing serious.”

“Ice it for a bit tonight, otherwise it’ll be as swollen as a balloon tomorrow.”

“Sure thing doc.” Lexa took her hand from Clarke’s, instantly noticing the loss of warmth that came with the action.

The trio sat together for another hour going through paperwork, chatting about little things – a new store that had opened at the shops, an assignment Clarke had due soon, Lexa’s strict boss – nothing that could be perceived as prying.

When Clarke left in the late afternoon, Lexa had walked her to the door and grabbed her arm just as she was leaving.

“Thanks” she whispered, her eyes warm and a small smile on her face.

“Not a problem Lexa, I’m happy I could help.”

Later that night when Clarke was lying in bed, she began to think about Annette’s request for her to get to know Lexa. Clarke was a fairly sociable person and had rarely had trouble making friends, but she couldn’t help but sense that things would be slightly more difficult with Lexa. She sighed and rolled over in bed, going to sleep thinking about ways to casually ask Lexa out for a coffee.

\----

Lexa curled her feet under her body and leant against the arm of the couch, gripping her tea in her hands. She sipped it slowly with her eyes glued on the TV – a particularly interesting documentary on deep sea creatures was on the Discovery Channel and she just couldn’t pull herself away from the screen.

During the ad break, her phone beeped beside her:

_Clarke Griffin has sent you a friend request._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cake and studying - what more could Clexa need/want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slightly sparodic updates lately, uni and work have been super hectic. If you've read any of my other fics, you'll be used to me complaining about an essay by now - well, the essay is finally done! Time to start the next one :P   
> I'm going to start moving things along in this story pretty soon, because we all know that the Clexa relationship happened in the space of months. So there will be a couple of weeks between each chapter probably. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy it. Comments and kudos are much appreciated - if you have anything you want to see happen please let me know!!

For the next couple of weeks things ran smoothly. Clarke settled in easy with the Woods family, working every weekend with Annette. It was a couple of shifts before Lexa started to relax a bit, seemingly happy with the care her mum was receiving. Things between Lexa and Clarke were moving slowly as expected. After Lexa accepted Clarke’s friend request on Facebook, the pair had been speaking on and off about menial things – uni assignments, parking, when Clarke might be running late.

Clarke didn’t even know it was Lexa’s birthday until Annette mentioned it while they were having breakfast.

“While Lexa is out today, I was wondering if we could do some cooking?” She asked “it’s Lexa’s birthday and I want to surprise her.”

“Yeah, sure!” Clarke replied, sitting down at the table, talking as she organised Annette’s medications for the next week. “What were you thinking of making?”

“When Lexa was little I used to make one of those train cakes” Annette smiled at the memory “Lexa loved trains. I haven’t been able to make it since she was four. I thought….I thought it would be a nice surprise to make it today.”

After Clarke ran down to the shops to get all the ingredients, the two spent the rest of the day baking and listening to music. Clarke did most of the work, while Annette gave her instructions and held some ingredients on her lap. After some mishaps with a flour spill and dropped eggs, the cake was finally cooked and ready to decorate. Clarke mixed the icing and got some lollies from the pantry to stick on to the cake.

“Do you want to do it?” Clarke asked, already moving the iced cake to the table where Annette could reach it easier.

With a smile Annette wheeled over and reached out to pick up a small m&m. She screwed her face in concentration and Clarke watched as she struggled to close her fingers over the chocolate. Clarke stood and held onto Annette’s hand, helping to guide her movements. It took them a good hour to finish the decorating process, but Clarke knew that Annette enjoyed being able to do something herself.

Although Clarke was meant to finish at 1pm, it was 3.30 by the time they finished. Annette apologised profusely every ten minutes.

“There’s no need to apologise” Clarke said as she placed the last candle on the cake. “I enjoyed doing this.”

Annette had just placed a wrapped present on the table next to the covered cake when they heard the door open. Clarke gave Annette a thumbs up, who returned with an enthusiastic grin.

Lexa walked into the dining room, suspiciously pointing at the items on the table.

“I thought I said no presents” Lexa sighed “we can’t really afford it.”

“Well, I had some money put aside and wanted to get you something special” Annette held her arms out for a hug that Lexa walked into. “Happy 21st birthday sweetie.”

“Thanks mum” she whispered in response, rubbing her mum’s back affectionately.

Clarke stood behind Annette’s wheelchair and watched as Lexa opened the bulky present that Annette had obviously wrapped herself. Lexa pulled apart the paper and her lips pulled into a small smile when she removed a leather jacket from the paper.

“Mum, you didn’t have to” she said, holding the jacket up against her body.

“No, but I wanted to, I know you’ve been eyeing this one off for a while.” Annette said “and I know you’ll look great in it.”

Lexa slipped her arms into the jacket and confirmed Annette’s suspicions. She did look good in it. In fact, Clarke would say she looked great.

Clarke’s breath caught in her throat when Lexa started to open the present she had got her.

“It’s not much” she confessed, rubbing her hand on the back of her neck nervously “I didn’t know it was your birthday, so yeah, it’s not much.”

“You didn’t need to get me anything Clarke.”

“I wanted to though – to thank you for everything.”

Lexa bit her bottom lip between her teeth and let out a laugh when she saw what Clarke had got her.

“I didn’t really know what to get you” Clarke laughed while Annette looked confused, not yet knowing what the present was.

Lea held up the candle to her nose and smelt it, her eyes closing in bliss. “How did you know frankincense and juniper was my favourite?”

“Lucky guess actually” Clarke said, shrugging her shoulders.

“You got her a candle?” Annette all but yelled “she already has hundreds!”

“That’s because I love candles mum!” Lexa rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically.  

Annette laughed and leant forward, her hand reaching for the tea towel covering the cake. “So the presents are pretty great” she said, clumsily grasping onto the towel “but I reckon this could top everything.”

Clarke covered Annette’s hand with her own and helped her pull back the tea towel with dramatic flair.

“We made it today” Annette said when Lexa didn’t respond, shock written on her face.

“You haven’t made this in years” she breathed out as she spun the plate around to look at the cake from all angles, her eyes shining with unshed tears of joy “this is the best birthday ever.”

\----

Clarke ended up staying for dinner, sitting with Lexa and Annette in the family room as they all ate fish and chips – Lexa’s favourite apparently. There was a movie on TV, although Clarke wasn’t paying much attention, instead sneaking glances at Lexa who was sitting beside her, looking childlike with a smile on her face and her feet tucked beneath her body.

Clarke turned her attention back to the TV when Lexa started to turn to her, sensing that she was being watched.

When the movie finished, Clarke stood and collected the dishes, taking them to the kitchen before returning to the family room.

“I should probably head off” she said, slinging her bag over her shoulder “Raven’s probably wondering where I am. Thank you so much for dinner.”

“Anytime Clarke” Annette responded. “I need to go to the bathroom, so I won’t be able to see you out.”

“I’ve got it mum” Lexa said, standing and walking with Clarke to the front door. Before she lost her nerve, Lexa grabbed onto Clarke’s arm and pulled her into a hug, her face tucked into the crook of her neck.

“Thanks” Lexa mumbled before pulling back “thank you for making the cake and the candle and for staying. I don’t have many friends and I don’t like my birthday…but you helped to make this day enjoyable.”

 “I’m glad you enjoyed today” Clarke said, running a hand up and down Lexa’s arm. “It was really fun hanging out with you, we should do it again.”

“That would be nice” Lexa nodded and held the door open for Clarke, giving her a small wave as she walked down the drive way to her car. “Goodnight Clarke.”

“Night Lexa.”

\----

“You had dinner with the family?” Raven asked, looking up from an old radio she was tinkering with.

“It wasn’t with ‘the family’” Clarke scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against the door frame. “It was Lexa and her mum. I have meals with Annette all the time.”

“Yeah, but how often is Lexa there for those meals?”

“Never…I don’t see your point.”

“You had dinner with Lexa and her mum…on Lexa’s 21st birthday” Raven said slowly, waiting for Clarke to click on to what she was getting at. “Oh for God’s sake Clarke, you’re not just their carer anymore. You’re a friend.”

Clarke shrugged her shoulders “and what’s wrong with that?”

“What happens if Annette passes away? Or they fire you? Isn’t there some professional boundary shit or something?”

Clarke knew that Raven was right. There were professional boundaries. And buying a gift for her client’s daughter was crossing that boundary.

“Lexa is a friend” Clarke stated “we may not see eachother or hang out but she’s my friend. And when Annette passes away, I will deal with it and I will support my friend through that.”

\---

Lexa lit the candle Clarke had bought her, the glow illuminating her room. She smiled and set it down on her dressing table next to an old photo of her with Anya and Costia. They looked so young and carefree – probably because they were.

She pulled out her phone and was about to type out a message to Costia when a facebook messenger notification popped up at the top.

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _omg you’re doing human structure and function yeah? Cause it’s killing me. Want to come over and join me for studying tomorrow after work – and by studying I mean me banging my head against the textbook while crying hysterically._

 Lexa sat on her bed and forgot about the message she was going to write to Costia.

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _I’m finding it quite difficult as well, so perhaps working together may help. I have work until 1, so could meet you at yours around 2?_

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _sounds like a plan – but I’ll just hang at yours until you get home then drive us both, give your legs a break from that bike of yours :P_

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _Bike riding is very good for cardio._

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _and car driving is good for the soul. You can drive with the windows down with music blasting…I’m driving you – I’ll even drop you home afterwards!_

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _So long as you’re sure?_

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _of course! I’ll see you tomorrow!_

\----

Clarke was watching TV with Annette when Lexa returned home from work the next day.

“I’m just going to get changed, then we can get going.” She said, dumping her bag on the floor before heading to her room.

When the door shut behind her, Annette turned to Clarke and gave her a thumbs up.

Clarke smiled “hey, Lexa’s pretty great, don’t think that this is your doing.”

“If I hadn’t have asked you to get to know her, you probably wouldn’t be friendly with her.”

“I would’ve!” Clarke said, raising her eyebrows in disbelief “like I said, she’s great. I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Oh so we’re friends now?” Lexa stood behind Clarke’s chair, her hands on her hips and a bemused smile on her lips.

“Yeah of course” Clarke responded “why is that even a question?” She asked, placing a hand on her heart in mock horror.

Lexa shook her head and leant down to kiss her mum goodbye. Clarke noticed that she was wearing the new leather jacket she got for her birthday, and a pair of black jeans that hugged tightly to her skin. She really did have a nice body, why had she never noticed? The jeans couldn't hide her muscular thighs, or her tight…

It was a cough that brought her out of her haze.

Clarke raised her eyes to see Annette glaring at her over Lexa’s shoulder, still hugging her daughter.

Had Clarke just been caught staring at Lexa’s ass?

Yes.

Definitely.

Whoops.

\----

“Why does the world torture me?”

Lexa raised her eyes from her textbook and laughed at the sight before her. Clarke was sprawled on her back on the bed, her textbook lying across her face.

“The world does not torture you, you’re just being dramatic.” She looked back at her book – ok so maybe cell structure was quite torturous but still. Drama queen.

“I need more food” Clarke groaned and stood up, stretching her arms above her head. Lexa’s eyes widened slightly when Clarke’s shirt lifted as she stretched, revealing a small expanse of skin above her shorts. Before she could start drooling, she became extremely interested in her text book, anything to distract her from Clarke.

“Want anything?” Clarke asked.

“No thanks, I’m ok” Lexa responded, her voice tight.

As soon as Clarke left the room, Lexa let out a sigh and ran a hand over her face.

“Why do you always crush on the straight ones?” Lexa whispered to herself.

It was going to be a long study session.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa go to a Yule ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everybody for the kudos and comments - they keep me going!!   
> There will be a delay in posting for the next two weeks as I'm going on my second last nursing placement! So I'll be working at the hospital full time for two weeks, but will hopefully find the time to update :)   
> Anyway, hope you all enjoy this! We get to see a bit more of Lexa's past, and meet Costia. So there's some Clexa bonding.  
> WARNING: there is mention of intentional self injury and depression - pls be safe and don't read if this triggers you. 
> 
> Please chuck me a comment to get me through this horribly busy weekend of work, study, nursing expos and meeting Richard Harmon at Supanova :P

Clarke and Lexa saw eachother regularly over the next couple of weeks. When Clarke finished early on a Sunday, she often hung around until Lexa came home from work. Sometimes they studied, but most of the time it was Lexa studying and Clarke complaining about the work load.

“Oh. My. God.”

Lexa glanced up from her laptop to Clarke sitting on her bedroom floor, mouth agape and a shine in her eyes.

“Yes Clarke?” Lexa asked, pushing her glasses up her nose.

“There’s a Yule ball. An honest to god Yule Ball.” Clarke all but squealed, collecting her laptop and jumping up onto Lexa’s bed to sit next to her. “See. Look. Yule Ball. Merlin’s beard – we have to go.”

“Did you really just say Merlin’s beard?”

“Yes, of course I did. We’re going.”

“Really? You want to go with me?”

“Well yeah, why is that such a shocker?”

Lexa shrugged her shoulders and mumbled “I just thought you would rather go with Raven.”

“Lexa, you love Harry Potter. I saw this and you were the first person I thought of” Clarke explained “so we’re going together.”

“I don’t want you to feel like - ”

“Too bad, it’s already sorted” Clarke cut in, spinning her laptop to show Lexa their purchased tickets. “Now we can go dress shopping!”

“I won’t need a dress” Lexa responded quietly.

“You’ve already got one sorted?”

“No” Lexa coughed nervously “Ihaveasetofdressrobes”

“I didn’t understand a single thing that just came out of your mouth Lexa.” Clarke laughed, but then noticed Lexa’s obvious nervousness “hey it’s all good if you don’t want to go, I don’t want you going if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“I want to go, I do” Lexa assured her, despite the panic that was sitting in her chest. “I just said that – that I have a set of dress robes.”

“Merlin’s beard” Clarke gasped dramatically “you are a bigger fan than I thought!”

“So you don’t mind that I won’t be wearing a dress?” Lexa asked tentatively.

Clarke leant forward and placed her hands on Lexa’s shoulders, giving her a slight shake. “I don’t care what you wear, so long as you have a good time.”

\----

“Do I look ok mum?”

Lexa stood in the doorway to Annette’s room, nervously pulling at her collar.

“Lexa you look spell binding” Annette responded, her eyes twinkling as she smiled at her own joke.

Lexa was about to scold her mum when the doorbell rang. The smile on her face dropped quickly and was replaced with an expression of complete and utter panic.

“Lexa, you’re ok” Annette whispered “you’ll be fine, now go get your girl.”

“She’s not my girl” Lexa sighed as she walked towards the door.

“Well then, bring your ‘not girl’ in here so I can see what she’s wearing.”

Lexa pulled the door open as Clarke was reaching for the doorbell again. She was wearing a dark purple dress that pulled in at her hips before flaring out slightly, stopping halfway down her calves.

“Wow” Lexa breathed out, opening the fly screen to let Clarke inside “you look – you look great.”

“Thanks” Clarke blushed, stepping inside and following Lexa to Annette’s room “you clean up nice as well.”

Lexa felt her cheeks begin to burn, and was praising her lucky stars that Clarke couldn’t see her face. When they stepped into Annette’s room, an audible gasp filled the room.

“Oh you look spell binding Clarke!”

“Mum” Lexa groaned “you can’t use the same joke twice.”

“It’s funny Lexa I’ll use it as many times as I like – now stop whinging and get me my phone so I can take a photo of you two.”

Clarke walked around to the side of the bed and grabbed her iPhone, opening it to the camera before placing it in Annette’s hand. She returned to Lexa’s side a wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer. Lexa hesitated for a moment before slinging her arm across Clarke’s shoulders, swearing she felt her body shiver slightly beneath her arm.

Annette took some photos, asking the girls to pose differently for each one. While Clarke complied and pulled faces and smiled on command, Lexa alternated between a stoic expression and a smile.

“Alright mum” Lexa said, holding out a hand to stop Annette from taking more photos “we should get going.”

“Of course!” Annette grinned and held her arms out to hug Lexa and Clarke goodbye. “Have a good night girls!”

The two girls said their goodbyes and walked from Annette’s room. When they reached the front door, Lexa hesitated for a moment, her hand hovering above the door knob.

“Hey, you ok?” Clarke asked, sounding concerned.

“Yeah” Lexa swallowed thickly as she felt her mouth dry “yeah I’m good.”

Clarke noticed her shift in demeanour and placed her hand on top of Lexa’s “we don’t need to go if you don’t want to.”

Lexa took a deep breath and closed her eyes. _You are Lexa Woods. It is safe to leave the house at night. Bad things do not happen at night. You will be safe._

“I’m good” Lexa responded, her voice breaking slightly “I am good to go” she repeated stronger.

“Well” Clarke smiled and wrapped her right arm around Lexa’s left, pulling her close to her body “our chariot awaits.”

\----

Admittedly, Lexa was having a good time.

The atmosphere at the ball was quite casual, as most of the people there were Harry Potter fans, and not the rowdy bunch of people Lexa usually saw at events. The music wasn’t too loud, and the dance floor was crowded with people dressed to the nines. Lexa sat on a chair at a table near the dancefloor, her eyes on Clarke. She was being spun by a boy in a sparkly set of dressrobes, a set of goggles perched upon his head. The song ended and the boy brought Clarke’s hands to his lips, placing a soft kiss there before bowing and backing into the crowd. Lexa watched as Clarke lifted a hand to her red cheeks and grinned with pure joy.

In that moment, there was nobody more beautiful than Clarke in the room.

Clarke caught Lexa’s eyes and beckoned her over, laughing when Lexa shook her head forcefully. The blonde walked over and grabbed onto Lexa’s hand, attempting to pull her off the chair.

“Come onnnnnnnnnnnnn” she groaned “one dance! They’re only playing a couple more songs before the night finishes.”

Lexa sat tight, pushing her feet into the ground. “I can’t dance Clarke.”

“Pleassseeeeeeeeeeee” Clarke all but begged, jiggling her leg slightly “just one dance.”

Lexa dropped her head and allowed herself to be pulled off the chair, much to Clarke’s delight. “Fine, but don’t blame me when I step on your toes.”

Clarke pulled Lexa through the crowd, weaving in between dancing couples. When they stood in a relatively open space, Clarke turned to her and placed her hands on her shoulders, smiling when Lexa rested her hands just above Clarke’s hips.

“Are you having a good time?” Clarke asked as they swayed gently.

“Yes, thank-you” Lexa answered, feeling her hands twitch slightly against Clarke’s body.

Clarke clasped her hands around Lexa’s neck and took a small step closer to her.

“You know, I’m really glad we’re friends. I know we met under shitty circumstances, but I’m glad I know you.”

Lexa let out a humourless chuckle “just you wait” she said “you’re going to regret knowing me soon enough. Most people do.”

Clarke’s brow furrowed in confusion “I beg to differ. I’m not that easy to get rid of.”

Lexa ducked her head to hide the sadness in her eyes. Clarke shifted closer, making Lexa wrap her arms around her back.

“I think you’re pretty great” Clarke whispered, only being heard over the music because of their close proximity. “I’ve not known you long, but I know that you’re the strongest person I know. Nothing will change that.” She gently rubbed Lexa’s neck, her fingers tangling slightly in her hair.

Lexa raised her head and held her breath. Clarke’s face was mere inches from her own, her eyes sparkling in the coloured lights.

_Get out,_ her brain screamed, _run as far as you can._

Even though her heart was beating wildly and she wanted nothing more than to run away from whatever was happening between her and Clarke, Lexa stayed in Clarke’s arms.

Then she heard her voice.

A voice she thought she would never hear again.

“Lexa, is that you?”

Clarke jumped at the interruption, and turned to face the woman who was standing by them with her hands resting on her hips casually.

“Costia” Lexa greeted, her jaw clenching and her grip tightening on Clarke’s waist. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too Lexa, it’s been too long” Costia replied, seemingly genuine.

“Which was your doing.” Lexa snapped, anger and sadness beginning to bubble in her chest.

Costia stepped towards Lexa, completely ignoring Clarke, and placed a hand on her arm. “I’m sorry I panicked Lex…can you really blame me?”

“I can understand panic. What I cannot understand is the complete radio silence I’ve received from you for the last three years.” Lexa looked back at Clarke, pleading with her eyes “can we go?”

“Sure” Clarke nodded, sliding her hands from Lexa’s neck to rub her arm reassuringly.

“Are you Lexa’s girlfriend?” Costia asked, not waiting for a response before she continued “don’t make the mistakes I did.”

“Costia” Lexa warned, her tone tired and sad.

“It was really good seeing you Lexa” Costia said “I hope we can be friends again…if you’ll have me back after everything.”

“I’ll think about it” she answered before turning to leave with Clarke “I’ll let you know.”

The further the pair got from the crowd, the more Clarke realised how much trouble Lexa was having staying calm. They walked through the doors and out to the carpark, Clarke walking faster with each step. As they neared her car, Lexa stopped and pulled herself away from Clarke.

“Wait in the car” she said, already walking away “I’ll be there in a minute.”

Clarke nodded silently and sat in her car, watching Lexa walk up to a brick wall. She stood there for a minute before drawing her fist back and landing a couple of punches. Clarke thought she would stop after two or three hits, but she just kept on going. She jumped out of the car and ran over to where Lexa was standing.

“Hey!” She called as she neared her side “come on Lexa.”

Lexa’s eyes were glazed over and her facial expression was blank as she continued to punch the wall, resulting in a sickening thud sound each time.

“Lexa, please” Clarke all but pleaded “please stop.” Gently she reached a hand up and grabbed onto Lexa’s arm, pushing against her as she tried to raise her fist again.

At her touch, Lexa stopped. In shock she looked down at her hand, her knuckles covered in blood and already starting to bruise.

“I’m so sorry” she mumbled, not making eye contact with Clarke “geez Clarke I’m so sorry.”

“No need for apologies” Clarke assured her, although her heart was racing in panic “let’s get you home.”

\----

They were nearing Lexa’s house when she spoke up, staring out the window.

“We were together for a year” she whispered.

“You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to” Clarke said, pulling to a stop at the red light.

Lexa shifted in her seat so her body was facing Clarke’s. “I was diagnosed with depression during high school” she explained, taking in a shuddering breath. “I did something rash and I ended up in hospital…when I came out she was gone. She didn’t want to know me. We were young and it was a serious thing I was going through, so I can begin to understand why she left, but it still hurts.”

“Lexa, I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything, I just wanted to explain why that happened.” Lexa paused when Clarke drove up the driveway and put the car into park. “I’m very sorry about what happened. And about having to leave. I know you were having such a good time, and I’m sorry I ruined it.”

“You didn’t ruin anything Lexa” Clarke said, turning off the car and opening her door. She stepped out and walked around to Lexa’s side, pulling open her door before she had the chance to. “It was a great night, and I got to dance with you. So long as you had a relatively good time, I’m happy.”

Clarke stood by Lexa’s side as she unlocked the door and stepped inside.

“Thank-you for tonight Clarke. I really did enjoy the night – I’m just sorry how it ended” Lexa apologised, holding up her injured hand for emphasis.

The two stood awkwardly for a moment, neither sure what to say.

“Will you – will you be ok tonight?” Clarke asked carefully “alone? Do you need someone to stay with you? I dunno. Did you want to come over and watch some movies until our heads drop off?”

“I think I’ll be ok, thank-you though, for the offer” Lexa shuffled nervously on her feet, her hand tightening its grip on the door handle. “I’ll raincheck on watching movies until our heads drop off.”

“Next Friday, my place, movies until our heads drop off.” Clarke joked briefly before her demeanour changed. “But I’m serious Lexa. If you need anything or want to talk, please call me. I don’t care what time it is, I want you to call me.”

Lexa was momentarily thrown by Clarke’s concern and compassion, knowing that she was entirely serious with her offer of support. “I’ll keep that in mind. Goodnight Clarke – drive safely.”

“Goodnight Lexa.”

\----

Lexa didn’t even change out of her dress robes, opting to fall down onto her bed fully clothed. She ran her hands through her now tangled her, wincing at the pain that radiated on her injured fist.

“What have you done?” She whispered to herself in the darkness, quiet tears starting to roll down her cheeks.

She tossed and turned that night, her dreams filled with dark images of loneliness and Costia. But when Lexa calls out to Costia in her dreams, it is Clarke who turns to face her before walking away, leaving the image of her retreating forever imprinted in Lexa’s mind.

\----

“I’m really worried Raven” Clarke confessed, pulling the covers up to her chin and turning to Raven. Whenever something happened, the two had a habit of jumping into the others bed to talk it out. “She had a breakdown and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Well you haven’t really known her that long” Raven reasoned “it took you a while to figure out how to deal with me. Maybe try and apply what you know with that to Lexa?”

“Yeah, good point. It was just so hard to see her like that you know? And I feel selfish for feeling a bit overwhelmed by it.”

“You can’t take the weight of the world on your shoulders Clarke, and I think Lexa knows that. You were there for her and gave her the support that you could, and that’s what matters the most.”

“I really think she believes I won’t want to be her friend after this.” Clarke turned on her back and stared up at the ceiling “does she think so little of me?”

“Clarke you idiot” Raven sighed and slapped Clarke lightly on the arm “how Lexa is feeling has nothing to do with you. She’s obviously got some issues, she’s been abandoned before – she’s probably just used to people leaving her.”

Clarke mulled over Raven’s comment as the two drifted off to sleep. Lexa’s dad had left, her girlfriend had left, there weren’t many friends that Clarke knew about. She always sat alone in the library and never hung out with anyone but Clarke.

No wonder Lexa felt alone.

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annette finds out some bad news, and Clarke attempts to reach Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, sorry for the extremely delayed and short update! I was on my nursing placement the last two weeks and was so busy to say the least. Anyway, I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but I'm trying. I guess it's just hard to write when there is so much on your mind :P Kudos and comments are much appreciated. 
> 
> TW: this chapter has a self-harm ideation section. Please do not read if this will trigger you <3

“Just me Annette!” Clarke called out as she let herself into the Woods’ early on Saturday morning.

It had been mere days since the incident at the Yule Ball and Clarke and Lexa had yet to speak about it. Clarke had invited Lexa over to watch movies the night before and had received no response. She had to admit she was worried, but also understood that Lexa probably wanted to be alone.

Clarke made her way through the house to Annette’s bedroom, passing Lexa’s room on the way through. She could hear music softly playing inside and couldn’t hold back a small smile of relief. She knocked softly on the door and pressed her ear against the wood.

“Good morning Lexa” she said gently, her breath catching in her throat.

Lexa never responded.

Clarke’s shoulders dropped and she pulled herself away from the door she so desperately wanted to push open. Her heart ached at the thought of Lexa suffering by herself – she was her friend after all. She made her way down the hallway, and by the time she was at Annette’s room there was a bright grin plastered on her face.

“Morning Clarke” Annette greeted her, already sitting herself up from the bed and swinging her legs over the bed rail.

“You’re awake early” Clarke commented, guiding Annette’s hands so she could hold onto the railing on the wall, pulling herself to her feet slowly.

“Just got a lot to do today” she replied, sitting down onto her commode and lifting her feet so Clarke could attach the foot plates.

Clarke showered Annette like she did every other morning, chatting about uni, her friends, and her recent visit to her mum. However, when Clarke reached to turn the water off, Annette grasped onto her wrist and pushed it away.

“Keep the water running for a bit” she whispered, leaning closer to Clarke “it blocks the noise and I need to talk to you.”

“Um, ok” Clarke stammered, taking the shower head and angling the water so it ran down Annette’s back “is something wrong?”

“Don’t give up on her.” Annette paused and took a deep breath before locking eyes with Clarke “don’t give up on Lexa. I wish you had’ve known her before Costia. But she’s a good girl and I know she’s shutting you out but she’s just trying to protect herself.”

“Is she – is she trying to protect herself from me?”

“She thinks you might run like Costia did. She thinks that because you’ve seen her ‘weak’ that you’ll leave her.”

“I wouldn’t do that” Clarke assured Annette, her throat tightening with emotion “she’s my friend.”

Annette nodded and turned the water off, her eyes shimmering with tears. “I just don’t want her to go back to how she was. I don’t want to lose my baby girl.”

\----

The shift went slowly.

Clarke took Annette to an appointment with the cardiologist and sat in the corner as she was told that her heart was getting worse. That there wasn’t anything that they could do.

She held Annette’s hand as tears slowly slid down her cheeks and she asked softly “how long do you think I have?”

The cardiologist let out a shaky breath and shrugged her shoulders “I can’t be certain. It could be months, maybe years. It all depends on how aggressively the deterioration occurs.”

Annette nodded and gripped Clarke’s hand tightly. “I knew this was coming” she confessed “but it doesn’t make it any easier.”

From the cardiologist they went to the neurologist.

“The peripheral neuropathy you’re experiencing seems to be getting worse” the neurologist said, pushing his large glasses up to frame his eyes. “There’s not much I can do except encourage you to continue using your legs as much as possible.”

The only good news came from the dentist.

“Annette, as always you have nothing to worry about” the dentist declared, grinning behind his mask “not a single cavity!”

It wasn’t until they were driving home that Annette broke the silence.

“Can you drop me off at a friend’s house?” She asked, nervously fiddling with her hands much like Lexa did. “I just need to gather myself before I face Lexa and tell her what’s happening.”

“Of course” Clarke responded “I’ll take you wherever you need to go.”

\----

Lexa hadn’t moved from her spot on the floor all day. Her back was leant against the wall and she softly banged her head against it repeatedly.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” She muttered tears streaming down her cheeks. “You worthless waste of space. If it wasn’t for you, mum would have the money to get some better treatment.”

She screwed her eyes shut and pulled her legs up to her chest, silently praying for the weight in her chest to disappear.

“Why do you need to be so weak? Why do you need to ruin everything? Why do you need to be you?”

In frustration she ran her hands through her greasy hair and tugged on it until she felt her scalp burn with the strain. Her mind wouldn’t stop replaying the events after leaving the Yule Ball. The way she broke down. How she couldn’t stop. That she didn’t want to stop.

Now all she could think about was transferring her emotional pain into physical pain.

Her skin itched with the desire to be torn open. Her entire being was desperate for a release.

For the first time that day, Lexa moved from her spot against the wall and reached to open her bedside drawer, where she knew she would find her release.

Then she heard her voice.

“Lexa? Are you in there?”

Clarke.

_‘Why do you care?’_ Lexa thought, her hand hovering at the drawer.

“I know you’re in there.”

Lexa stayed silent as she heard Clarke slide down the door to sit on the floor. Clarke was silent for what felt like an eternity before she spoke again.

“I know that you’re afraid” she said “I don’t know what you’re afraid of exactly, but I know that you’re having a hard time. I just want you to know that I’m not going to leave you.”

Lexa crawled across her floor until she was at the door, where she sat with her back pressed against the solid wood. “You can’t promise that” she all but whispered her response.

“I can promise that I will never leave you intentionally. You’re my friend Lexa. Ok? And I care about you.”

“Everybody ends up leaving.” Lexa said, fresh tears beginning to form in her eyes.

“It’s going to take a lot more than a mini meltdown to make me leave.”

Lexa couldn’t help but laugh humourlessly “it’s turning into a pretty big meltdown.”

“I’m still not leaving you.”

“Why not?” Lexa asked, her voice rising in panic. “Why won’t you leave me?”

“I know it’s probably what you’re used to, people leaving that is” Clarke responded sadly “but you mean too much to me. You’re in my veins Lexa. You’re in my life and I wasn’t planning for you to become one of my closest friends, but you are. I enjoy spending time with you, and it hurts me that you are hurting and there’s nothing I can do to help you.”

Lexa could hear the desperation in Clarke’s voice and for a second she considered opening the door. She considered letting Clarke in, both metaphorically and physically. But then what would happen? Would she run when she saw how broken she was? Would she realise that beneath the strong façade she likes to carry, that Lexa is nothing more than just a broken person held together by frayed string?

“You do help.” Lexa confessed, her eyes beginning to close in sheer exhaustion. “You help so much Clarke.”

\----

Clarke fell asleep leaning against the wall by Lexa’s door. When she woke in the early hours of the morning, roused by the squeaking of hinges, she couldn’t hide the blush that rose in her cheeks.

“You stayed?” Lexa asked in a small voice, her arms wrapped around her body protectively.

“Yeah” Clarke answered sleepily, rubbing her eyes at the sudden brightness seeping from Lexa’s room.

Lexa sat down on the floor next to Clarke and picked at the stitching on her pants. “I’m sorry” she began “I never wanted you to see me like this.”

“Like what?”

“Weak.”

“Oh Lexa, no, that’s not – that’s not weak.” Clarke reached across and threaded her fingers through Lexa’s “you’re not weak. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

“You can’t know many strong people then” Lexa smiled sadly and shrugged her shoulders.

“You cared for your mum. You kept going after Costia. You’re still trying to open up to people. Hell, you got to uni and work while struggling with all of this. You’re strong Lexa.”

“I don’t feel it” Lexa confessed, turning her hand over in her lap to hold Clarke’s hand properly. “I used to be able to deal with anything. I was so strong, so commanding. And now. Now I can’t even make friends without having a breakdown. I can’t even believe you when you say I’m strong. I want to. I desperately want to. But I can’t.”

Clarke shuffled closer to Lexa and wrapped and arm around her shoulders, drawing her body into hers. “Everyday I will tell you. I will remind you how strong you are every single damn day until you believe it. I want you to see yourself how I see you.” Lexa shuddered slightly when she felt Clarke press a soft kiss on top of her head. “I know we haven’t known eachother for long but you matter to me. Ok? You are not alone.”

For the briefest of moments, the weight on Lexa’s chest eased and she could breathe. Finally. She could breathe.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the meltdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, sorry it took so long to post this - uni and life have been super hectic. I deleted and re-wrote this chapter a couple of times but I couldn't get it exactly how I wanted to, so any feedback on this would be great. 
> 
> Also, my client who Annette is based off knows about this story and is very happy that more people are learning about, or are at least hearing about Friedreich's Ataxia

Lexa curled up into the foetal position and pulled her doona up under her chin. She couldn’t remember getting into bed, in fact the whole previous night was a blur in her mind. She remembered sitting on her floor. She remembered someone holding her and that was about it. Memory loss during an episode was something that Lexa had yet to learn to prevent. For as long as she could remember, whenever she felt depressed or anxious her brain seemed to shut down and there was no hope in remembering the episode.

With a groan she opened her eyes and glanced at the clock on the bedside table – closing her eyes again when she saw that it was only 6.30am. She had half an hour before she had to get up and shower before Clarke came over to start her shift.

_‘Oh shit’_

Lexa sat bolt upright, her mind clear from the haze of sleep.

“Clarke” she muttered under her breath, the realisation hitting her that it was Clarke who comforted her the night before. “Oh fuck.”

In the darkness of her room, Lexa heard someone mutter “shut up Raven, I gotta go to work soon.”

_‘Who the hell is Raven, and who the hell is in my room?’_

Lexa wearily grabbed the old fashioned candle holder that was sitting on top of her bedside table, gripping it tightly as she switched on her bedside lamp. It took her eyes a second to adjust before she recognised the lump of a person sitting on her desk chair.

Clarke had her legs pulled up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them and her head resting on her knees. Her chest rose and fell steadily, and Lexa could see Clarke’s hair moving around her face with each exhale of breath.

“Clarke?” Lexa shuffled to the edge of her bed and reached out to poke Clarke on her legs.

“Goddamit Raven I said to shut up” Clarke grumbled, turning her body away from Lexa’s.

“Ummmm, it’s Lexa.”

Clarke’s head popped up at this, her eyes narrowed and took in the scene around her. “Ok, you’re not Raven, sorry, I don’t like mornings.”

“I feel sorry for Raven if she has to deal with this every morning.” Lexa quipped, setting down the candle holder to its rightful place.

Clarke stretched her legs out in front of her and raised her arms above her head, exposing her stomach when her shirt rode up. Lexa couldn’t help but steal a glance at the glimpse of skin, feeling her cheeks heat when Clarke let out a small moan. Taking in a calming breath, Lexa picked at the stitching on her doona cover, a nervous habit she was unable to kick.

“Clarke” she began, not making eye contact with the blonde “about last night-”

“Lexa,” Clarke interrupted, rubbing her hands against her thighs to warm them up “if you’re going to apologise, I only want you to apologise for not inviting me into your bed last night, this chair is extremely uncomfortable to sleep on.”

“I didn’t ask you to stay Clarke” Lexa mumbled, her eyes still trained to the floor. “And before you interrupted I was going to say that I was sorry for unloading so much onto you last night – we barely know eachother and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

Clarke stood up and dropped beside Lexa on the bed, reaching across to cover her hands, effectively stopping her nervous picking. “You’re one of my friends Lexa, and I care about you” she said, her tone warm and affectionate “that’s what friends are for. You needed someone, I was here. It’s as simple as that.”

“I’m still sorry” Lexa mumbled.

“Alright” Clarke responded “if it helps make you feel better, I accept your apology.”

Lexa nodded and turned her hands over in Clarke’s, gently intertwining their fingers. “Thank you for staying last night.”

“Anytime Lexa.”

\----

“She was going to attack me with a candle holder Annette!” Clarke whispered dramatically as she lathered shampoo in Annette’s her. “A candle holder! Why does she even have one?”

Annette chuckled softly, a grin spreading across her face. It always amazed Clarke how strong Annette was. Here she was, living with an incurable and non-treatable condition, and she still saw the beauty in life to smile and laugh.

“I gave it to her for her 16th birthday” Annette said, closing her eyes and relaxing her shoulders as Clarke massaged her scalp gently. “She once threw it at a boy who tried to make an unwanted advance – I don’t think I’ve seen a bruise so big in my life.”

Clarke directed the spray from the shower head so it ran through Annette’s hair, the warm water pooling at her feet and dampening the bottom of her pants.

“I’m glad that you were here for her. When she’s in a bad way, me being there makes it worse.” Annette paused and sighed deeply “she blames herself for me not being able to afford carers earlier, or get better treatment. She just needs people to talk to, and then I think the old Lexa will come back.”

“The old Lexa?” Clarke questioned “how is she different from the Lexa now.”

“Oh Clarke” Annette laughed again, a mischievous grin appearing “she was a force to be reckoned with. She did karate four times a week for more than a decade – she was brutal. They nicknamed her The Commander, and boy did she fit the role. It was her outlet for so long, when she was at karate nobody knew who she was, nobody knew that she was the girl who couldn’t sleep without a light on and cried during Mulan. At karate she was The Commander. She was strong and everything Lexa felt that she wasn’t. She won medals and trophies for sparring competitions, she’s been on TV and has one of the most powerful side kicks in the country. But now, because she’s looking after me and working, she doesn’t have the time to go. I just wish that she knew that she is The Commander, and is a strong as she wishes she was.”

\----

Clarke stayed late that day, with Annette telling her that she planned on informing Lexa of her deteriorating health. She sat on the couch and listened to Lexa and her mum talk behind closed doors in Annette’s bedroom. Their voices were calm, and she could hear quiet sobbing. After more than half an hour, Lexa walked out the door, stopping in her tracks when she saw Clarke watching her carefully. She lifted a hand to wipe at the eyeliner that had run down her cheeks.

“Did you want me to stay?” Clarke asked quietly, though it sounded loud in the deathly silent house.

Lexa shook her head and smiled sadly “no, it’s quite alright. But thank-you, I would rather be alone right now.”

Clarke stood and walked over to Lexa who remained still in the hallway.

“Can I hug you?” She asked, noticing that the other girl looked close to tears.

Lexa shook her head and clenched her fists by her side “not that I wouldn’t love that, but if you hug me I’ll start crying again and I just stopped.”

Clarke nodded and reached down to grasp Lexa’s hands, peeling her fingers back from the fists they formed and rubbing her palms gently. “You text me if you want to talk, ok? Doesn’t matter what time.”

“Thank you Clarke, words cannot describe how much I appreciate your support.”

\----

Raven glanced up from her textbook when Clarke walked through the door, still wearing the same clothes she left in the day before.

“And what time do you call this young lady?” Raven asked mockingly, standing and placing her hands on her hips.

Clarke dumped her bag by the door and dropped into a chair at the table across from Raven, “I’m sorry Raven.” She said, running a hand through her messy hair “Lexa was in a bad way last night so I stayed to help.”

“No need to apologise Griffin” Raven responded, closing her textbook and resting her head in her hands “everything ok?”

“Yeah…no not really” Clarke shook her head and wrung her hands with worry. “She’s just so overwhelmed with everything right now, and I want to help but I’m not sure how. Her mum’s going into hospital for a couple of nights next week, and the thought of Lexa being alone in the state she’s in right now, well that scares me a bit to be honest.”

Raven shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back in the chair slightly. “What if she came over? With all the major assignments coming up you could say it’s a massive study week and you want her to join in on the fun and misery.”

Clarke nodded in agreement. “That’s actually a good idea for once – then she won’t think I’m trying to push myself into her personal space, or that I don’t trust her to be alone.”

“Text her now” Raven said, pushing Clarke’s phone across the table “before you lose your guts.”

Clarke laughed and grabbed her phone before standing up and walking to her bedroom. She closed the door behind her and switched on the light, pacing as she typed out the text.

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _soooooooooo my friend Raven and I are having like a four day long study session to smash out the major assignments – if you’re not working did you want to join? Food and good company will be provided._

Clarke pressed send on the message and threw her phone on her bed, quickly pulling off her shirt and stepping out of her pants as she made her way to the bathroom. She showered quickly, scrubbing the day from her skin. With a smile, she slipped into her favourite pair of pyjamas and wished Raven a good night before she went back into her room.

No sooner had she walked through the door did her phone light up with a message.

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _I will come so long as you actually study this time._

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _yaaassssssssss Lexa this is going to be great – you can take my bed if you want, I’ll go on the fold out couch_

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _Are you trying to get me into your bed Clarke Griffin?_

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _dammit was I that obvious? My plan has failed. Abort. Abort. Abort._

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _You’re so funny. Just text me the details and I’ll be there. Also, Clarke?_

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _yeah??_

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _Thanks again. For everything. I probably don’t thank you enough, but I truly appreciate your support during this time. I will get better soon._

**_Clarke Griffin:_** _you’re too sweet Lexa, you thank me plenty! Honestly, it’s no skin off my nose to help you. That’s what friends are for. I’ve gotta go to bed, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow, and you just message me if you need anything, ok? Sleep well my dear_ _xoxo_

\---

_Sleep well my dear_

“My dear?” Lexa whispered to herself, her eyes wide with shock as she stared at the message Clarke sent her. She raised a hand to her neck and palpated her pulse, immediately noting that it was racing. “Calm down Lexa. She’s a nice person saying nice things. She’s a nice friend. You’re allowed to have friends.”

Since Clarke left that evening, Lexa had been having a rough night. She had always known that her mum was going to pass away quite young, but she thought that they would still have many more years together. She had hoped that Annette would see her graduate at least – now Lexa doesn’t even know if that will happen.

“You’re ok” Lexa said to herself as tears slid down her cheeks “you’re going to be ok. People care about you and you are going to be ok.”

Lexa closed her eyes and sunk further into her pillow, falling asleep to the memory of Clarke’s arms wrapped around her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa meets Raven and Octavia, and makes Clarke go weak at the knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, apologies for taking ages to update! Life has been so hectic - I spent a week in Sydney and Brisbane on a nursing leadership delegation (so amazing), then of course uni has been crazy with exams and assignments ugh. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy it, I tried to make it a little longer to compensate for the long delay in chapters. Any feedback/suggestions would be much appreciated
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter mentions previous self harm & scars towards the middle of the chapter - and needles and blood taking.

Annette went into hospital early Monday morning with a smile on her face and her hospital bag resting on her lap. She waved goodbye to Lexa from the patient transport vehicle and gave her a thumbs up as the van disappeared down the street. Lexa bit her lip and took in a calming breath, pulling back her shoulders and straightening her spine in an attempt to portray strength. She put her helmet on her head and mounted her pushbike, her backpacked secured to the handlebars.

She wasn’t expected at Clarke’s until later in the afternoon so she spent some time just riding around the streets, standing up on the pedals and enjoying the feel of the wind blowing against her body. She couldn’t go back home – couldn’t stand the idea of being home while her mum was in hospital. Something about that scared her more than she would like to admit.

Lexa cycled until her legs burned with the exhaustion and the world blurred around her. She took a corner fast and almost ran into a car backing out of a driveway, but she was The Commander, and The Commander had quick reflexes. Without hesitation, she swerved out of the way and continued along at near break neck speed, knowing that if she crashed into something she would seriously injure herself.

By noon she had made it to her favourite lookout, the view stretching beyond the city. She leant against the metal barricade and took in a deep breath. This was one of the few places she felt safe, as though nothing could touch her. She was on top of the world.

Lexa wasn’t sure how long she stood there for, her mind at complete ease. Nothing hurt and she felt comfortably numb. She couldn’t feel her knuckles burning from the healing scabs. She couldn’t feel her heart ache with the knowledge that her mum wasn’t getting any better. She couldn’t feel the pit in her stomach at the thought of Clarke. Clarke who was so confusing. Who made her feel things she didn’t want to go through again. Feelings she really did not want to face.

All of that was gone.

\----

Clarke paced around her apartment, nervously wiping down every surface and making sure that everything was in its correct place.

“Why are you freaking?” Raven called out from the couch, her legs resting on the coffee table “it’s only Lexa and the others, and all of them have been her before.”

Clarke huffed and ran a hand through her messy hair “I know Rae, I know…but this is important.”

Raven patted the spot on the couch next to her, smiling when Clarke walked over and plonked down next to her. “Talk to me Clarke, what’s going on?”

“It’s Lexa” Clarke confessed, grasping her hands together in her lap. “It’s like we were thrown together and formed this weird friendship thing where I know all these personal details about her, yet she knows barely anything about me. And I feel like this is all going so fast. One moment we’re just studying together and the next she’s going through this shit and I’m blindly trying to help her.”

“Sounds pretty rough Clarke” Raven said “maybe draw back a bit?”

“Oh no. No. Absolutely not” Clarke replied, furiously shaking her head as if Raven had just suggested burning down a building. “She’s my friend.”

“I know Clarke, but like you said, it’s a weird friendship. You two barely hang out, it seems like it’s more like a friendship of necessity.”

“I suppose, I mean, one of the reasons why I became her friend is because Annette asked me to.”

“But it’s not the main reason, is it?” Raven asked, noticing the conflicted look on her friend’s face.

“I really like being her friend. She’s a great person. And I’m friends with her because of that. I think, I think part of me is just losing sight of the warped situation of our relationship.”

Raven scooted closer to Clarke and put an arm around her shoulder, drawing her into her side. “It’ll work out Clarke. Yes, the situation you two met in isn’t desirable, but you’re friends with her now and really that’s all that matters.”

\----

A buzzing in her pocket pulled Lexa from her silent contemplation. Quickly wiping her tears from her eyes, she reached into her pocket and unlocked her phone.

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _heyyyyyy you like pizza yeah? Cause we’re thinking of getting some for dinner_

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _I do like pizza. What time should I come over?_

**_Clarke Griffin:_ ** _whenever you’re ready…Raven and I are both fully clothed so there won’t be any surprises ;) hope everything went ok this morning with your mum_

**_Lexa Woods:_ ** _I will be there in 45 minutes._

Lexa slipped her phone into her pocket and put her helmet onto her head before mounting her bike. With a calm mind she took off at a leisurely pace, enjoying the feel of the wind blowing in her face.

Perhaps she would be ok.

\----

Clarke all but ran to the door when the doorbell rang, pulling it open to reveal a very flustered Lexa. She was wearing a pair of ripped jeans, an AC/DC shirt, and the black leather jacket she had gotten for her birthday.

“Hello Clarke” she greeted, tightly gripping her helmet in her hands.

“Hey!” Clarke pulled the door wide open and gestured for Lexa to come in. She stepped inside and placed her helmet down on the floor and untied her shoes. Even though she had been to Clarke’s place before, she couldn’t help but feel nervous.

“Yo, Lexa!” Raven called out “reckon you could grab me a bag of chips from the pantry? Help yourself to anything you want to!”

“Raven Reyes” Clarke scalded jokingly “is that any way to treat our guest?”

Raven rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically “I’m so sorry your royal highness. Please, Lady Lexa, enjoy the fine delicacies in our pantry while I, a mere peasant, starves to death.”

“She gets grumpy when she’s hungry” Clarke whispered.

Lexa nodded to herself as Clarke threw a bag of chips at Raven – it was going to be a long night.

\----

“If you don’t stay still I’m gunna hurt you Raven.”

Lexa looked up from her textbook to see Clarke crouching next to Raven, holding a syringe in her hand and tightening a tourniquet around Raven’s arm.

“Your hands are shakey Clarke, how do you expect me to have complete confidence in you if your hands are goddam shakey!”

“What, and you’ve never had tremors Raven?”

“Nope.” Raven held out her hands, showing how steady they were “comes in handy to have steady hands when you do what I do.”

Clarke removed the tourniquet and slumped back onto the floor, her shoulders drooping in defeat.

“What are you doing?” Lexa spoke up timidly from her spot on the floor against the wall, feeling as though she was intruding.

Clarke and Raven both snapped their heads up, evidently forgetting that Lexa was in the room with them.

“I haven’t had a chance to practice taking blood on a real person” Clarke explained, lifting up the equipment in her hands in exasperation “and Raven here is too scared to let me practice on her.”

“Well you can practice on me” Lexa responded, already slipping off her jacket and pushing her t-shirt sleeve up to her shoulder.

She could almost feel Raven and Clarke staring at her.

Of course she had responded without thinking.

Of course she had gotten so comfortable that she forgot about the scars that littered her upper arms.

Her face burnt with embarrassment and shame, knowing that it was quite obvious that the injuries had been self-inflicted. She had made such an effort to always keep covered so people wouldn’t ask questions or regard her with pity. Lexa already received too many pity looks because of her family situation. If people knew about this, even her friends, she wasn’t sure she would be able to cope with the looks.

_‘Please’_ she thought, squeezing her eyes shut and slowly pushing her sleeve back down to cover the scarring _‘please just let me disappear’._

“Holy shit” Raven’s voice broke through the silence. Lexa winced and prepared herself for the usual reaction. “How often do you work out Lexa? Those arms are to die for!”

Lexa opened her eyes and found the other two girls looking at her, not with disgust as she had expected, but amazement.

“Oh um, I have a set of weights at home” Lexa mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck nervously “so almost everyday.”

Raven let out a low whistle and shook her head “damn, how are you not in love with this girl yet Griffin?”

Clarke blushed and shuffled over to Lexa. She reached to push Lexa’s sleeve up, asking – “can I?” On Lexa’s nod she rolled the sleeve up to her shoulder and wrapped the tourniquet around her bicep, her fingers gently running along the scars on her skin. “I’m sorry” Clarke whispered so only Lexa could hear it.

“It’s ok” Lexa said, trying not to shiver as Clarke gently prodded her arm to find a vein “it was a long time ago.”

“I’m still sorry.” Clarke lifted Lexa’s arm and rested it across her lap so she could reach her easier. She swabbed a spot on her arm and uncapped the needle. “You ready?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, there will be a little prick.”

Clarke held her breath as she pushed the needle into Lexa’s vein, gently moving it to slide in.

“Alright, I’m just going to draw a little blood out now.” Clare explained, pulling back the syringe plunger. Lexa watched Clarke in awe, noticing that although her face was riddled with panic and nervousness, her hands remained steady. “And we’re done!”

Lexa smiled when Clarke let out a nervous laugh, holding the full syringe in the air in triumph.

“And not a single tremor” Lexa complimented, holding down the gauze that Clarke had pressed onto her arm.

“Well I had a good patient” Clarke responded, before calling out loudly “unlike Raven who couldn’t even sit still!”

Raven threw a pen at Clarke and growled “shut up.”

Ignoring Raven’s comment, Clarke moved next to Lexa and rested her back against the wall, pulling her textbook onto her lap. Lexa coughed nervously and turned her attention back to her textbook, trying to ignore the warmth that spread through her being so close to Clarke.

\----

“PIZZA HAS ARRIVED” Octavia yelled as she all but kicked the door in before marching through, her face blocked by boxes of pizza.

Raven moaned with delight and pushed her books off her lap, standing to help Octavia with the food.

“Ok we have one with the lot for you Griffin, deep pan meatlovers for Raven, my cheese pizza…and I think they gave us an extra one?” Octavia placed the pizza’s down on the kitchen bench, still not noticing Lexa sitting on the floor awkwardly toying with the bottom of her shirt. With her eyes on her pizza, Octavia sat down on the couch merely a meter from Lexa. She sighed with content and lifted a slice to her mouth smiling at Clarke and – “wait, you’re new.”

Lexa nodded and tried to hide the blush that was creeping up her cheeks “I’m Lexa.”

“Oh” Octavia responded, throwing Clarke a wide grin “ohhhhhhhhh.”

“Octavia” Clarke warned, her voice low and close to a growl.

Octavia raised her hands in innocence “hey I didn’t say anything, just making observations. Seeing as Clarke hasn’t introduced us, I’m Octavia – and that would be your pepporoni pizza on the bench then.”

Lexa thanked Octavia and stood up, taking her time to walk to the kitchen. Once away from the other girls, she leant against the bench, closed her eyes, and ran her hands through her hair, letting out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding.

She heard someone walk in behind her, and quickly tried to regain her composure, though opening her eyes she noticed it was only Clarke.

“Hey” she said softly, standing next to Lexa and giving her a gentle smile “you ok?”

“Yeah” Lexa breathed, although she was not very convincing “just a bit overwhelmed but it’s ok.”

“How about we take the party to my room? Let the crazy kids bounce off of eachother for a while?” Clarke suggested, nudging Lexa’s side with her elbow.

“Sure.”

Clarke and Lexa walked out of the kitchen, pizza in hand, and turned to head in the direction of her bedroom.

“We’re chilling in my room” Clarke called out to Raven and Octavia, preparing herself for their reactions.

“Ohhhhhhhhhh get in there Clarke!” Raven whooped, giving her an enthusiastic thumbs up.

“Remember Clarke, circles, you wanna rub the clit in circles” Octavia said in mock seriousness, demonstrating her instructions on a piece of pizza.

“You guys are horrible and I hate you” Clarke responded, pushing a slightly mortified looking Lexa towards the bedroom. They were at the door when Clarke paused and turned back to the others “oh and I’m offended, as if you would think I wouldn’t know what to do!”

She slammed her door shut but not before Octavia called out “tight circles Clarke, TIGHT CIRCLES!”

Lexa was already sitting on the bed, her pizza box perched on her lap. When they were alone, she always appeared to be more comfortable – or as comfortable as Lexa could be.

“Are they always like this?” She asked, dabbing grease from her pizza with a piece of paper towel.

“Oh yeah, all the time, they’re horrible” Clarke laughed and sat down next to Lexa, opening her own pizza box on the bed. “I love them but they can be very overwhelming when they’re together – you need to see them in small doses. You’re not like that though, you’re pretty great.” Clarke grinned at Lexa, her heart fluttering when she smiled back at her.

There was something about Lexa that made Clarke’s stomach flip and her heart race. She couldn’t quite pin point it, but over the weeks began to realise that the feeling was not going away – in fact it was intensifying. Moments like these, when Lexa was relaxed and getting lost in her own thoughts, made Clarke wish she had the courage to talk to her about the way she felt.

“Clarke” Lexa said, snapping Clarke from her daze.

“Yeah?”

“You were staring – did I drop something on my shirt?”

“Oh – oh no, no you didn’t” Clarke mumbled her response “I was just thinking and zoned out.”

“And stared at my boobs?”

“Well. Yeah. Sorry. I swear I’m not a creep.”

“Forgiven.”

Clarke let out her breath and pretended to wipe sweat from her brow. Her heart was starting to calm down, and for a moment she thought she would be able to spend the evening with her friend without imagining what it would feel like to run her hands through her hair and kiss her senseless. That dream was shattered when Lexa shot her the charming smile that Clarke had only seen on a handful of occasions. She knew that this was the confident Lexa coming through, the girl who did karate and was full of strength. She oozed confidence and swagger in a small smile, and Clarke was weak at the knees.

_‘Oh fuck.’_

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, long time no see. I'm really sorry for taking ages to update - things have been really hectic with uni and work, and I haven't had much time to dedicate to this. Anyway, comments, kudos and the like are much appreciated, they make me feel all warm and fuzzy <3 
> 
> P.S. I'm starting to write this 'Australian Adventures of Clarke and Lexa' series, where our two fav babes live in their home country. If anybody has any ideas for it, please leave me a comment :D

The one thing Clarke was good at was taking longer than necessary study breaks. It had been more than two hours since she had pushed her books away from her, claiming “I’ve read two pages, I deserve a break.” For the first hour she had pestered Lexa with facts about historical figures, with Lexa responding to each fact with a glare. In the second hour she took out an old camera from her bedside drawer and began tinkering with it, muttering quietly to herself.

Lexa had forgotten that Clarke was even in the room until she heard the click of a camera shutter, and a light shined out of the corner of her eyes. When she slowly lifted her head and looked to her left, she saw Clarke sitting on a desk chair, slowly bringing down the camera from her face.

“Sorry” she said, although the smile on her face betrayed any sense of apology. “You look really stunning when you concentrate.”

“I find that hard to believe” Lexa scoffed, turning her attention back to the book on her lap. If she were being honest, she hadn’t productively done any of her study since she arrived at Clarke’s. Her head was pounding with a headache she couldn’t quite shake, and her eyes were starting to droop shut. She stretched her arms in the air and rubbed her eyes, letting out a long yawn as she did.

“Did you sleep last night?” Clarke asked, not making eye contact with her friend.

“Not really” Lexa responded, turning back to the start of the chapter she had been attempting to read.

“You all good?”

“Yeah” Lexa responded automatically, feeling Clarke’s eyes on her.

Clarke stood from her chair and sat down on her bed next to Lexa. She leant her back against the bedhead and stretched her legs out. “We’re friends, yeah?”

Lexa narrowed her eyes and said “yes Clarke, we have discussed this at length before.”

“So you know you can tell me if things are bothering you right? And you can tell me about other normal things…like I dunno, we can braid our hair and talk about boys.”

“It would be pretty one sided if we were talking about boys.”

“Ok so we’ll talk about girls then, I’m always up for that” Clarke laughed and patted Lexa’s knee playfully. “Either way, this is just your daily reminder that we are friends and I care about you.”

“Thank you Clarke, I appreciate that.”

“Ok, now that the serious stuff has been dealt with – imagine you’re in Orange is the New Black, would you rather be with Alex or Piper?”

\----

Clarke wasn’t sure for how long they had been talking for when Lexa stopped replying. She turned and saw her friend with her head resting against the wall, her mouth dropped open slightly with her chest rising and falling slowly with each breath. Clarke smiled and resisted the urge to tuck a strand of hair behind Lexa’s ear. As quietly as she could, she climbed off the bed so she was standing next to Lexa. She slipped one arm beneath Lexa’s bent knees, and wrapped the other around her shoulders. Like she had done a thousand times before for work, she slipped Lexa down the bed until she was lying down with her head resting comfortably against the pillow. Lexa didn’t even move throughout the process, her breathing still steady and low.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me?” Clarke muttered, pulling a blanket up from the bottom of the bed to cover Lexa. She had never seen Lexa look so peaceful, her face slack and the worry lines on her forehead invisible. Clarke gently ran her hand through Lexa’s hair, smoothing down the stray hairs that had escaped the pony tail she had scooped her hair into merely an hour ago. Feeling bold, she let her hand stray down to rest on her cheek, her thumb running across Lexa’s smooth lips. In her sleep, Lexa turned into Clarke’s hand, a gentle breath escaping her lips. “You will be the death of me, I swear.”

\----

It was close to midnight when Lexa stirred, mumbling to herself as she tossed and turned. Clarke looked up from her sketchbook, the drawing of a peaceful sleeping Lexa a stark contrast to her current form. A sheen of sweat had developed on her forehead, and the sheets that had been neatly tucked around her body were strewn all over the bed. Clarke wearily turned her attention back to her sketch, not wanting to embarrass Lexa if she suddenly woke up.

“No!” Lexa yelled, her fists clenched at her temples “bring her back! Take me!”

Clarke jumped up from her seat, her sketchbook falling to the floor, and rushed to Lexa’s side. “Wake up” she said, gently shaking Lexa’s leg.

“No!” Lexa kicked her legs out and pushed her body away from Clarke’s touch “give her back!”

“Lexa, it’s Clarke, you’re having a dream” Clarke said calmly, her hands hovering just above her skin. “You’re ok. Everyone is ok. It’s a dream.”

Suddenly Lexa sat bolt upright, her chest heaving with each breath and complete panic written across her face. She grasped the sheets in her hands and desperately took in her surroundings.

“Hey” Clarke said gently, carefully placing a hand on Lexa’s knee “you’re safe.”

Lexa stared into Clarke’s eyes for a brief moment before she nodded her head slowly, seemingly believing Clarke’s assurance of safety. She pulled her legs up to her chest and pulled her hair out of the messy pony tail, before shakily running her hands through its length. Clarke remained silent and sat on the bed so her body was facing Lexa’s.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clarke asked, breaking the silence. Lexa responded with a mere shake of her head, her eyes still filled with fear.

“I’m sorry that you have to see me like this.” Lexa whispered, her eyes avoiding Clarke’s.

“Lexa, this isn’t something you need to apologise for” Clarke insisted earnestly, moving her hands to unclench Lexa’s tight fists.

“But I do” Lexa said with her eyes trained on their hands, her voice strained and tense “it shouldn’t have been like this. I shouldn’t be like this. I’m meant to be better.”

Clarke took in a deep breath before saying “maybe – possibly – it would be a good idea to see someone? A professional?”

Lexa shook her head “no, I am not going through that again. I can’t.”

“I’m not going to force you to go” Clarke continued, letting her hand rest on top of Lexa’s “but this is obviously something that you’re struggling with, and that’s ok. It’s ok to struggle. And you’re not alone in this – we all support you. Your mum loves you, I love you, Raven thinks you’re cool and Octavia has yet to form an opinion. But whatever you choose, you have us to support you.”

“Mum can’t find out” Lexa paused and turned her hand over in Clarke’s so their palms were pressed against eachother. “She can’t know I’m bad again. If she finds out, then she’ll make me see someone, and that will be expensive which will mean we won’t be able to afford some of her medication, and we probably couldn’t pay you.”

“There’s other options you know” Clarke said, reaching under her bed to pull out a binder folder. “I hope it wasn’t over stepping – but I did a bit of research after what happened at the Yule Ball.”

Lexa’s eyes widened when she saw the binder filled with pamphlets on mental illness and treatment options. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest, and Clarke could see the panic starting to fill Lexa’s features.

“Shit” Clarke breathed out, closing the binder quickly “I over stepped didn’t I? I thought it would be too much. But I didn’t know what I could do to help and I’m good at research, and when I got started - ”

“Clarke,” Lexa cut in, no hint of irritation or hurt in her tone “I do not think I can express how much this means to me. That you would go to this effort for me – I don’t think I can repay your kindness.”

Clarke let out a sigh of relief and gave Lexa a small smile “I’m going to leave this with you so you can go through it in your own time – I really hope you consider the options there are out there. Some of the therapy options are free, so if money was an issue, it can be worked around.”

“Thank-you” Lexa said, standing up from the bed and taking the binder from Clarke’s hands. “I haven’t really had someone care for me like this before” she admitted “so I’m sorry if I say the wrong thing.”

“I’ll let you know – but so far you’ve said nothing wrong, trust me.”

Lexa walked over to the desk where she had left some of her books and placed the binder down on top of the pile. She ran her fingers along the edge of the desk, taking in the photos pinned to Clarke’s wall. There were some of her with a group of friends, all smiling wildly and laughing at the camera. There’s one of a younger looking Clarke and an older woman, who Lexa assumes is her mum, sitting cross-legged on the floor with a game of Mouse Trap sitting between them. Birthday parties, costumes, bike rides, road trips – everything on this wall showed that Clarke had lived. Lexa had nothing like that. Her eyes scanned the photos until she recognised herself in one. She leaned closer and saw that it was of the two of them before the Yule Ball. Clarke was smiling broadly and had her arm wrapped around Lexa’s waist. What shocked Lexa was the look of adoration on her own face. She was not looking at the camera, but at the girl next to her, a slight smile on her lips and her eyes twinkling.

“I really like that one.”

Lexa turned to Clarke who was sitting on the bed, her head resting in her hands, her face slack with exhaustion.

“It’s actually one of my favourite photos” Clarke continued “I have quite a few if you wanted a copy of any of them.”

Lexa nodded in response, slightly taken aback by the photo. She was on someone’s wall. A wall covered in photos of people Clarke obviously cared about and was close to, and there she was. Lexa tried not to show just how excited, and shocked, she was at seeing a photo of herself looking so happy.

“It was a fun night” Lexa commented, sitting back down on the bed next to Clarke.

“Well you’re pretty fun to hang around” Clarke joked, gently nudging Lexa’s shoulder.

“I like -” Lexa started, her tongue feeling fat and dry in her mouth. For what felt like an eternity Clarke held her breath waiting for Lexa to continue. “I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do.”

As suddenly as their conversation began, it ended. Lexa didn’t give Clarke the chance to respond before she pulled her textbook onto her lap and opened it to a random page. Not wanting to push, Clarke took Lexa’s lead and leant forward to pick her sketchbook off the floor. She shuffled back until she was comfortable on the bed and let the book rest on her bent knees.

Despite the fact that it was after midnight, Clarke didn’t feel the slightest bit fatigued. Her heart was thumping beneath her rib cage and she struggled to keep her hand steady on the page. There were things that she could easily deal with – assignment deadlines, work stress and blood and guts. They were easy. Feelings though? Feelings were another story all together. And right now she was struggling to understand the feeling that seeped through her bones when she was alone with Lexa.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WTF Jess, another update so soon? Have you got your life together a little? Anyway, enough third person talk. Thanks everyone for the kudos, comments, etc. I hope that you guys like this short chap - it seems like a filler but believe me when I say that there's stuff in this chapter which is relevant. But yeah, I really wanted to explore Clarke's feelings and such as well seeing as we know quite a bit about Lexa and her struggles.   
> Updates may be more delayed than before, as I have just started my final semester of my nursing bachelor! So uni is crazy as, but I'll write an update when I can. Follow me on tumblr, my user is jesstheelephant, if you wanna read about my life.  
> Love you all, and please stay safe during these crazy times.

There were three things that Clarke knew for sure.

  1. She would fail her Human Structure and Function exam if she didn’t do some serious study ASAP
  2. She was slowly falling for her friend and she wasn’t sure how so stop it from happening
  3. Everything got weird after 2am



\----

“Do you believe in the existence of extra terrestrials?” Clarke asked, lying on her back on the bed with her legs vertically resting against the wall.

Lexa groaned and glared at Clarke. “I thought I came here to study, not debate whether or not we are alone in the universe.”

“There’s no reason we can’t do both” she insisted “besides it’s after 2 in the morning, there’s no way we can do anything productive now.”

“Clarke, I don’t think you’ve been productive at all this whole time” Lexa said, pulling a tight lipped but genuine smile. “Just let me finish reading this page then I’ll call it a night.”

Clarke waited in silence while watching her friend read. She wasn’t sure exactly when it happened, but at some point between their study sessions and brief encounters at work, she had begun to see her friend as something more. If she were being honest, it scared the living daylights out of her. She had only ever dated one person in her life – Finn Collins. They had been together for their entire time at high school and were believed to be the ideal couple.

Then Finn didn’t turn up to school one day.

Clarke usually didn’t worry when Finn was late, he had a habit of wagging first and second period in favour for a sleep in. But when he didn’t turn up for the entire day and wasn’t answering his phone, worry started to settle in. She had gone to his house after school and was confronted by ‘Police – Do Not Cross’ tape strewn across his front yard. There was a drug lab in his backyard shed, a neighbour had said, the home was raided and Finn was arrested along with his mother.

She hadn’t seen him since.

He had written, apologising profusely she assumed. For a long time Clarke didn’t respond. She was too hurt to even open them, and instead fed them to the paper shredder. A year after the incident Clarke decided to open one of the letters. Inside she found what she expected, an explanation and an apology. He had done it after his mum was layed off from work, and his friend Raven was in a car accident. They needed money desperately to pay for medical expenses and the big mortgage on the house. It had worked for a while too. Finn paid for Raven’s stay in hospital, and contributed to the expense of her prosthetic leg and wheelchair. It was thanks to Finn that Raven was able to walk with no issues. He managed to pay off more than half of the mortgage and put some money away in a savings account for college.

It was all great until they were caught.

Clarke didn’t forgive him, but she could understand. She began visiting him in prison, talking to eachother across a rickety wooden table. It was in the waiting area that she met Raven. The one good thing to come of the whole incident was her close friendship with Raven.

Despite the fact that her levels of trust had improved greatly since Finn, Clarke was still guarded and wary of her own feelings. The pounding of her heart, butterflies in her stomach hands, wandering thoughts and stolen glances – Clarke knew what they meant. But she also knew that she wasn’t quite ready to face what she was feeling. For a friend.

A female friend.

While Clarke had suspicions in the past that she wasn’t straight, she had never felt for a girl like she had for boys before. Yes, she found women to be beautiful and was guilty of having many ‘girl crushes’ during her early teen years, but hadn’t been romantically interested in women. She had wanted to kiss and lusted over women before, though she always thought that this was normal, just hormones or getting bored of the boys she was dating.

Now she knew for sure that she wasn’t straight.

And that thought made her stomach churn and heart race in a way that could not be blamed on a crush.

\----

Clarke had fallen asleep within minutes of her head hitting the pillow. Lexa was not so lucky. She had stared at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity before she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and got up. She stifled a laugh at the small groan Clarke made when the bed moved, her face scrunching up in disgust. Lexa pulled her thick socks onto her feet before she left the bedroom, quietly closing the door behind her. Besides laughter coming from Raven and Octavia from what she assumed was Raven’s room, the apartment was quiet.

She walked out into the kitchen and started looking through cupboards for a glass. She hummed softly to herself during her search, smiling in victory when she found the glasses in a cupboard above her head. With one hand on the bench and the other stretched above her head, she reached up and grasped onto the glass.

And then everything went downhill.

No sooner had she gotten the glass in her hand did she topple to the side, falling onto the floor in a heap. The crashing of glass filled the otherwise quiet apartment.

Within seconds Raven was by her side, carefully crouching down while avoiding the glass.

“Hey” she said, brushing some shards from Lexa’s lap “you ok?”

“Yeah” Lexa answered “just lost my balance. Sorry about the mess. I’ll clean it up and replace the glass.”

Raven waved a hand in dismissal and scoffed “don’t be silly, I’ll clean it up. You just hold tight while I get the brush and shovel – don’t want you cutting yourself even more on the glass.”

As Raven left, Lexa felt her left arm sting. She looked down and saw blood oozing out of a small but deep cut in her forearm.

“You’re lucky I hadn’t taken my leg off yet” Raven commented as she came back into the kitchen and began sweeping off “because then Octavia would’ve come to help, and she hates blood.”

“Taken your leg off?”

“Yeah, I was in a car accident a couple years back” Raven said “my left leg was crushed pretty bad and they had to do a below the knee amputation.” She pulled up her pant leg, showing Lexa her prosthesis.

“You are a very strong person” Lexa said as she gently brushed shards of glass off of her clothes “to be able to come back from something like this, and make something of your life.”

Raven shrugged her shoulders and smiled “I was really bitter to begin with but I learnt to live with it, you know? Like yes, my life changed forever that day – but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still have a good life.” She offered her hand to Lexa and helped to pull her up before continuing “I don’t let it control me or stop me from doing what I want and what I love. Sometimes it takes me longer, or I have to do things differently to other people, but I still get there, and in the end that’s all that really matters.”

\----

Lexa slipped back into the bed as quietly as she could. She pulled the doona up to her chin and closed her eyes, slowly counting backwards from one thousand – a technique she had used for years to help her sleep. She had gotten to 763 when Clarke sighed and snuggled into her side, her arm falling over Lexa’s waist and pulling her close. Lexa held her breath, part of her expecting her body to wake up from a dream to find herself alone in her bedroom. She opened her eyes and confirmed that yes, she was still in Clarke’s room, wrapped in the arms of her friend. Lexa squeezed her eyes shut and tried to ignore the warmth that spread throughout her body. Slowly, her body began to relax, her mind quiet of its usual stressors.

Lexa was asleep before she could count to 700.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wakes up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There's a description of someone's death in this chapter (nobody we know in this story), and the processes involved after death (straightening of limbs and stuff) - please avoid if this is not your cup of tea.

Lexa stretched awake slowly, squeezing her eyes shut and groaning at the popping in her back. Judging from the sound of traffic and people outside, Lexa guessed it was well into the early morning. She couldn’t remember the last time she slept past 6am, and part of her felt pride in having finally slept in. Lexa pushed her hand across the bed, searching for the source of warmth that was there when she went to sleep. However, her hand found nothing.

Quickly sitting upright, Lexa’s eyes sprung open as she took in the emptiness of the bed.

Clarke was gone.

The panic set in immediately, the questions flying through her mind at warp speed. _‘Did I scare her?’ ‘Did I say something wrong?’ ‘Am I that repulsive?’ ‘Did she finally realise what I was?’ ‘Did she…’_

Her thoughts were cut short at the slamming of the front door.

The apartment was almost silent, save for some quiet murmuring in the kitchen.

“You did the right thing Clarke” Lexa heard Octavia say gently.

“If I had’ve gotten there faster -”

“Nothing would’ve been different” Raven interjected. “He was not for resuscitation. You did the right thing.”

There was complete silence for a moment, before Clarke asked “is Lexa still here?”

“I’m pretty sure she is – I haven’t seen her leave.”

Moments after Raven’s reply, Lexa heard footstep getting closer to the door. She leaned back into the pillows and pulled the doona up to rest beneath her armpits, trying to look as casual as possible. The door creaked open slowly and Lexa watched as Clarke entered the room with her back to her. She closed the door and rested her head against the door jam, her hand still clasping the handle.

“Pull yourself together Griffin.” Clarke mumbled quietly before she turned around to face Lexa.

Lexa smiled gently and clasped her hands in front of her. “Good morning” she said in greeting “is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah everything is fine.” Clarke replied, her voice slightly higher than normal. She stood completely still, avoiding eye contact with Lexa, who did not fail to notice how tense she was and the redness of her eyes. “Did you sleep ok?”

“I slept well thank-you” Lexa responded, toying with the edge of the doona. “But you weren’t here when I woke up” she prompted, not wanting to push Clarke into talking if she didn’t want to.

“I got a call from work” Clarke explained, moving to sit on the edge of the bed with her body turned to face Lexa. “The company I work for responds to those emergency buzzer calls. And I got a callout this morning. So that’s where I was.”

Lexa nodded and swallowing thickly. She had never been good at talking with people, or giving them the same type of support they gave her. It was something she had always felt guilty about, and right now sitting with Clarke and not knowing what to say or do to make things better – that made the guilt come back.

“Did you want to talk about it?” She chose to ask simply.

“No, no, I’m ok” Clarke insisted, though Lexa did not believe her for a moment.

“Alright” Lexa agreed, reaching out and placing her hand on Clarke’s tense arm.

“I’m ok” she repeated, though she was saying it more to herself than she was to Lexa. Clarke gently bit her lip and raised her stare to the ceiling, tears beginning to pool in her eyes. “I can’t - ” Clarke cut herself off and blinked furiously, sucking in deep breaths between her clenched teeth.

“What can’t you do Clarke?” Lexa asked gently, her thumb drawing soothing circles on Clarke’s skin.

“I can’t do this” she said “I can’t unload all my crap onto you. You have enough going on and I don’t want to be a burden on you. I can’t do that to you.”

“Hey, hey Clarke, look at me” Lexa whispered, afraid her voice would break with emotion if she talked any louder. When Clarke didn’t turn to face her, Lexa took her hand from Clarke’s arm and lifted it to cradle her cheek, guiding her head in her direction. Clarke avoided Lexa’s eyes though, staring at a poster above her head instead. “Clarke it’s ok. I’m ok. I appreciate your concern for me, truly I do. But I’m ok. You can talk to me. Please talk to me.”

Clarke held her breath and didn’t say a word or acknowledge Lexa’s statement.

“Please” Lexa repeated, the request coming out more of a desperate whimper than anything. “Let me help.”

Without a word, Clarke’s shoulders sagged as she let out the breath she had been holding. Her jaw quivered slightly, and Lexa could see the internal struggle she was having.

Clarke rocked her body towards Lexa’s, desperately seeking contact, and murmured “can I?”

“Yes.”

The angle was awkward and Lexa was sure Clarke’s back would be protesting, but she still wrapped her arms around her friend when she fell onto her. Clarke pressed her face into Lexa’s neck, gripping tightly onto her shirt with her left hand while her right was tucked uncomfortably between them. Heavy sobs wracked Clarke, her entire body heaving with each exhale of breath. Instinctively Lexa tightened her grip around Clarke, her fingernails surely digging into her skin through her thin white shirt.

“I’ve got you” she said firmly and surely “I’m here Clarke.”

Lexa wriggled her body down the bed and pulled Clarke along with her, moving them until they were lying down, with Clarke’s body draped across her own.

“You’ll be ok” Lexa ran her hands up and down Clarke’s back “everything will be ok.”

After what felt like an eternity, but really couldn’t have been more than half an hour, the crying stopped. Slowly, Clarke’s breathing returned to a normal rhythm and her grip on Lexa’s shirt loosened.

“I couldn’t do anything” Clarke said, her breath hot against Lexa’s neck. “I was called out, and they said that the gentleman was not for resuscitation and I got there and I unlocked the door and called out his name and he didn’t – he didn’t. Fuck.”

“We don’t need to talk about it” Lexa assured her “you don’t need to explain yourself.”

Clarke nodded against Lexa’s shoulder, but continued on. “He didn’t answer. I knew something was wrong so I started walking through the house and I found him. He was on the floor” her voice shook slightly and she took in a deep breath to try and calm herself. “I think it was quick. I don’t think he suffered. But I had to straighten him out you know, so when he went into rigor mortis he wouldn’t be stuck looking so uncomfortable.” Clarke squeezed her eyes shut at the memory “I had to close his eyes and hold his mouth closed.”

“That would’ve been really difficult” Lexa said, one hand running through Clarke’s hair in an attempt to sooth her.

“It just reminds me how fragile life is, and how careful I need to be.” Clarke lifted her hand to Lexa’s neck and her fingers softly sought out her carotid artery, resting when they found her strong pulse. “I try to distance myself from clients so then I don’t fall apart when something happens – but no matter how hard I try, I get close and I get personal and I end up falling apart.”

Lexa’s hands stilled and her heart raced, something she was sure Clarke picked up. “Did you – is this – what we’re doing – our friendship” Lexa tried to say, panic rising in her chest. ‘ _Stop’_ she thought ‘ _take a breath’._ “Is our friendship inappropriate? Because I understand if you no longer want to continue this to protect yourself.”

“Oh Lexa” Clarke pulled her head back slightly so she could make eye contact with her friend. “I don’t want to lose you too. I’ve just got you.”

Lexa nodded, “so long as you’re sure.”

“Positive.” Clarke curled her body more comfortably into Lexa’s and placed a gentle kiss on her neck. “Thank you, for being here.”

“Always.”

\----

“We should get up Clarke.” Lexa suggested weakly, knowing that deep down she definitely did not want to stop holding Clarke.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhh” came Clarke’s response “it’s not even midday yet.”

“We have study to do.”

“Lexa” Clarke said sternly, raising her head to jokingly glare at Lexa “we’re having a really good moment here, a top quality bonding moment, so just let it happen.”

“Oh” Lexa blushed “ok then.”

“We’ll study later. Pinky swear. Let’s just stay like this a little longer.”

Even though her arm had gone numb long ago due to Clarke resting on it, and the button of Clarke’s pants was digging painfully into Lexa’s thigh, she couldn’t help but sigh in content. Lexa could honestly admit that she had never been close enough with anyone to lay so vulnerably with them. While it scared her and made her want to run away and never look back, she felt proud of herself for staying, for challenging her fears and doing what felt right for a change.

\----

Lexa did not get as much study done over the weekend as she would’ve liked to. In fact, she barely got through three chapters of readings (she was sure Clarke worked through even less). Despite this she learnt three very important things:

  1. Clarke like to cuddle and she talked in her sleep (she said Lexa’s name a few times, which she found both sweet and arousing).
  2. It was ok to take breaks (even though Clarke took more breaks than she did study)
  3. Bonding with Clarke was her new favourite past time.   



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for taking so long to update. Hope you all liked to get a bit of a look into Clarke's life. This whole thing was based off of an experience that I had last week at a call out. A dear friend of mine supported me through it and it inspired me to show some of what Clarke would go through as well. Any comments are appreciated as always :D They'll get me through the job interview I have in just over 12 hours (it's for a graduate year in a mental health nursing program and I'm shitting myself ahahahahah)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a feelings awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it took so long to update, hope you like it. (sorry it's short btw)

When Lexa walked into her house late on Sunday night after work, she was surprised to hear Clarke’s voice and laughter coming from her mum’s bedroom. It had been three weeks since she stayed the weekend with Clarke and her friends, and the pair had barely seen eachother since. Sometimes they bumped into eachother as Clarke was leaving and Lexa was coming home, or vice versa, but they were never around long enough to say more than a quick hello. Lexa hung her leather jacket up on the coat rack by the door and toed of her black polished work shoes. Usually she would strip off on the way to her room, dumping her clothes in the laundry on the way through – but she knew she couldn’t do this with company. She walked down the hallway to Annette’s room, listening to the conversation occurring behind the closed door.

“I’m not joking Clarke – she really dressed up as Mulder from the X Files one year for Halloween, I know I have the photo somewhere…”

That of course was Lexa’s cue to enter and put an end to the potentially embarrassing conversation.

“That photo will never see the light of day”, she grumbled as she leant over the bedrail to kiss Annette on the cheek.

“You never let me have any fun” Annette whined dramatically, gripping onto Lexa’s hand and squeezing it with affection. “How was work?”

“Busy” Lexa responded “tiring. The usual.” She paused and looked up at Clarke, who was standing on the opposite side of the bed with a stunned expression on her face. “Hello Clarke” Lexa greeted her with a small wave. “I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”

“Yeah, well, I – uh – I was just walking and” Clarke fumbled her words, her face going red with each word. “We uh just got caught up talking.”

Annette grinned and said “Clarke was telling me all about your weekend together, because you don’t tell me anything.”

“We studied, we slept, we ate, we studied some more, I broke a glass” Lexa rattled off easily “there’s not much to tell Mum.”

“Oh but there is the fact that you’re explanation doesn’t involve the fact that you and Clarke shared a bed.” Annette whispered the comment cheekily “my daughter shared a bed with a pretty girl and she doesn’t even tell me. I’m wounded Lexa. I told you in great detail about the very attractive male nurse who inserted my catheter and how close his hands were to-”

“I did not want to hear that” Lexa cut in, her eyes wide with shock “I never wanted to hear that. I actually spent a long time trying to forget that you ever said that.”

“And yet” Annette continued, not taking notice of her daughter’s discomfort “I disclose this information to you, and you give me nothing in return.”

“Ok mum, I shared a bed with Clarke. It was a very comfortable bed and the pillows were fluffy. If it were a hotel, I would give it ten stars” Lexa replied sarcastically, earning a small laugh from Clarke.  “Now, will you stop tormenting me about this?”

“Oh I’m not tormenting you Lexa” Annette insisted, her brow furrowed with faux seriousness “I was just trying to determine whether or not I would need to give the lovely Clarke here the mum talk.”

Clarke lent against the siderail on the bed, resting her chin on her open palm. “The mum talk?” She asked, tilting her head to the side in curiosity.

“Yeah, it’s like the talk that father’s give to their daughter’s prospective dates, except it’s scarier and more intimidating because it involves me.”

“Clarke doesn’t need the mum talk” Lexa sighed and rubbed the back of her neck with her hand “we’re not – we’re not like that.”

Clarke looked over at Lexa, a light blush creeping up her cheeks.

“Not that I – no – I” Lexa stammered, not making eye contact with Clarke or her mum “not that I’m disgusted by the idea or anything like that. I didn’t mean it like that. Clarke and I are friends mum. Just friends.”

“I know Lexa, take a breath” Annette said, placing a hand on her daughter’s shaking hand “I’m just messing with you.”

Lexa nodded and mumbled “I’ll be in my room” before she walked out the door.

With a quick glance at Annette, noting the worried look on her face, Clarke followed behind her. She managed to slip through Lexa’s bedroom door right before it slammed shut. The pair stood in the dimly lit room, Clarke with her back resting against the door and Lexa leaning against her desk.

"I’m sorry about mum” Lexa muttered, her head hung “she can be a bit – full on. She just wants me to be happy.”

“Hey, it’s fine” Clarke insisted, moving to stand infront of Lexa. “Like they say, is it even friendship if you don’t get mistaken as a couple at least once?”

Lexa rolled her eyes “who even says that Clarke?”

“I do, geez.”

“You truly are a character Clarke” Lexa said, shaking her head with a grin on her face. “You put up with me, you deal with my mum’s slightly inappropriate comments. Bet you didn’t know you were getting yourself into this mess when you answered my ad.”

“I definitely wasn’t expecting to meet the strongest person I know, but I’m not complaining” Clarke replied, her heart racing with nerves though she was not sure why.

Bidding Lexa a quick farewell with the promise to text her when she got home safely, Clarke walked out of the house, her thoughts stuck on the girl who continued to take her breath away.

\----

Biting her fingernails, Clarke paced around the kitchen, her thoughts wild and racing.

_You like her_

_No I don’t_

_Yeah Clarke, you do_

_But, I can’t like her, she’s my friend_

_Doesn’t mean you can’t like her_

_Oh my god, you’re right … no wait … I’m right_

_Oh god I’m going insane_

_What was insane was those pants, and that vest!_

_The vest was pretty hot_

_I can’t think that about my friend_

_I really am going insane_

That was how Raven found Clarke – standing in the middle of the kitchen, a finger in her mouth and her eyes wide with panic and realisation.

“Ground control to Major Clarke” Raven sung, gently shaking her friend by the shoulder “you in there man?”

Clarke jumped at the contact and shook her head slightly, dispelling her internal dialogue. “Raven. I like her.”

“I have no idea who you are talking about, but cool.”

“Lexa. I like Lexa.” Clarke said, her voice rising in pitch with each word, her panic evident.

“Ohk, I would hope you liked her, she is your friend, remember? Did you hit your head?” Raven responded slowly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"No, Raven, you don’t understand.”  Clarke all but yelled “I like like Lexa. I dunno I’ve been feeling things for her and I thought that it was just another one of those things when you’re getting to know someone new and you think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread but that feeling hasn’t gone away and then today she came home and she was wearing her uniform and I swear to god I almost died I am attracted to her Raven I want to do ungodly things to her I’m not entirely sure what I want to do but I want to do things with her and make her happy and oh my god Raven I LIKE LEXA.”

“Ok, we’ll discuss that spiel in a second” Raven nodded, a calm expression on her face “but first I need you to take a fucking breath because you said that whole thing without stopping to breathe.”  

Clarke gritted her teeth and inhaled sharply before exhaling shakily.

“Alright, that’ll do, you keep on doing that while looking like I just told you to lick Bellamy’s unwashed feet.” Raven took Clarke by the shoulders and guided her to a chair at the dining room table. She pushed her down and pulled a chair across to sit in front of her. “Now do you want to try and tell me again what’s going on? Maybe with some oxygen getting into you.”

Clarke sagged into the chair in defeat, throwing her hands up in the air and looking at Raven with utter disbelief. “I’ve had crushes on girls for as long as I can remember, but I never felt for them the way I did for boys.” She began, continuing when Raven gave her an encouraging nod. “But Lexa…she’s different. I see her and my heart just pounds against my chest and I want to kiss her and hold her. She fell asleep while she was staying over and I looked at her and couldn’t help but think ‘I could wake up to this’. I want to make her smile and laugh because she looks so beautiful when she’s happy. I want to take her out for dinner and hold her hand and take her home. I want to sleep in my bed with her and hold her hand under the doona. I just want to be with her. And I’m freaking out because I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t know what to do.” Clarke squeezed her eyes shut as she finished, pushing the keep the tears at bay.

“Oh Clarke.” Raven sighed, opening her arms for Clarke to fall into.

“I thought it would go away” she mumbled into Raven’s neck “but it hasn’t.”

“It’ll work out Clarke. You’ll be ok” Raven said, running her fingers through Clarke’s hair in an effort to soothe her.

 “Fuck, I think she’s my bisexual awakening. I thought for a long time that I wasn’t straight. But this confirms it for me.” Clarke sniffled, laughing slightly “I like Lexa and I have no bloody idea what to do.”  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, massive apologies for taking so long. I'm not too happy with this chapter, so any feedback would be great. Clarke's realisation that's she's bi is totally what happened with me when I realised that I was crushing on a girl I had just met (we've now been close friends for more than a year, and I think I'm in love with her - but we can talk about her later :P). For anybody who was wondering, my interview went well (I think!). I had another one with a different hospital this week, and have my final interview on Wednesday next week. Things are getting super hectic with uni, but I'll update when I can. Thanks for being patient guys. Now that Clarke has realised she has the feels, the Clexa will be ramping up. Stay safe and sane folks! Please leave some feedback or even tell me how your day was, I need to procrastinate


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Annette go shoe shopping, and Lexa has a meltdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybodyyyyy, sorry for taking so long to update! First off, massive as thanks for everybody leaving comments, and to the user Jane for sharing some of her personal experiences caring for her mum - I think that you're amazing and a blessing to this earth my dear. Also, I'm so happy to let everybody know that I've been offered a graduate nurse position with my first choice hospital!! I was given an early offer, and will start work in the mental health unit in February!!  
> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter - quite a bit happens as I'm trying to speed up the story a bit without being unrealistic. BEWARE: there is mention of self harm and suicidal ideation in this chapter, so please tread carefully. I've drawn on my own experiences for Lexa's meltdown, so please be super nice about it if you leave a comment <3

* * *

 

Like any other Sunday, Clarke spent the day with Annette. She was pushing her around the shops in search of a new pair of sneakers, stopping every couple of steps to swerve around people. Clarke would be the first person to admit that she’s not the best ‘driver’ – accidentally ramming Annette’s wheelchair in people’s ankles on multiple occasions.

Okay, maybe she did that on purpose because some people are assholes and won’t move out of the way. It wasn’t Clarke’s fault that some people seemed to have no respect. Honestly she had lost count of the number of times people expected her to move when walking down a busy street. She had also lost count of the number of times she stubbornly kept the wheelchair on the same path, not moving an inch for anybody.

After almost running into a third person in the space of fifteen minutes, Clarke shook her head and groaned in frustration. “Do they not understand or something? Do people not realise how hard it is to swerve a wheelchair?”

Annette shrugged and turned her head to look back at Clarke. “A lot of people are ignorant or too caught up in their own world to realise that there are people around them.”

“I seriously don’t understand how Lexa dealt with this for years without breaking someone’s legs – I mean I’ve only been working with you a couple of months and I’m already on a homicidal warpath.”

Annette chuckled, gripping onto the arm rests as Clarke sped them around a corner. “Lexa found ways to let her anger out in a healthy way.”

“Of course she did” Clarke scoffed jokingly, pulling down a pair of black sneakers from the top shelf. “It’s cause she’s bloody perfect. What do you think of this pair?”

Annette held the sneakers in her lap and inspected them carefully. “Too narrow” she said simply, handing the pair back to Clarke before continuing “you and Lexa seem pretty close.”

“Yeah” Clarke responded, coughing to get rid of the nervous tickle in her throat. “I guess you could say that.”

_Oh shit, she knows. Is it that obvious? Fuck. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn plaid today. Dammit._

“I think it’s nice” Annette said with a smile “she’s happy and I like it when she’s happy. I haven’t seen her be like this in a long time.”

“Why’s that?” Clarke asked, looking at a pair of pale blue sneakers before handing them to Annette to look at. “What about this pair?”

“They’ll get dirty too easy” she replied, handing them back.  “Lexa’s teen years weren’t the best. She didn’t have many friends and spent her weekends looking after me, so she didn’t have much time to socialise with the friends she did have. Then there was – well that’s not my story to tell.”

“Costia?” Clarke commented, pushing the chair further down the isle “I know what happened there.”

“Wow” Annette whistled “she never talks to anyone about that. She must really like you. How much did she tell you?”

Clarke walked around from the back of the chair to stand in front of Annette, crouching down to untie her shoes and slip them off. “She told me about the depression” Clarke said quietly, not making eye contact as she slipped on a pair of sneakers to try. “She said that she was in hospital and when she came out, Costia was gone.”

Annette nodded in agreement “that’s the basic gist of it.”

“Why was she-” Clarke paused and sucked in a calming breath, finally raising her head to look up at Annette. “Why was Lexa in hospital? She won’t tell me. I have my suspicions, and I can understand if you don’t want to tell me, but I want to know. I need to know. I really care about her and just – I just need to know.”

Annette shook her head gently and met Clarke’s desperate gaze. “I can’t tell you Clarke. Lexa will tell you when she’s ready. Just give her some time. She’s come so far and I’m so proud of her. But now she has trouble opening up. She’s worried that people won’t like her when they find out that she’s damaged goods.”

“She’s not though” Clarke insisted “she’s not damaged. We’re all a little bent in places. But she’s still Lexa. Nothing will change that.”

“I can see why she likes you – you’re a good person Clarke.”

Clarke blushed and ducked her head, busying herself with taking the new shoes off Annette’s feet, happy with their fit.

“Do you want to go with this pair?” Clarke asked, changing the subject quickly.

“Yes, that would be lovely.”  Annette took the box from Clarke’s hands and placed it on her lap. “You can change the subject as much as you like, but that won’t change the fact that I think you’re good for my daughter, and for me as well.”

\----

Lexa twirled her hair around a finger and pushed her glasses up her nose. She glanced from her laptop to her phone for the fourth time in the last ten minutes, knowing that she was just delaying the inevitable. The heavy feeling in her chest had progressively gotten worse over the past couple of weeks, her nights plagued with terrors that kept her awake.

“Fuck it.”

She stood up, grabbed her phone, and walked from the dining room to her bedroom, grabbing the binder off of her desk that Clarke had given her. She flipped it open and rifled through the pages until she reached one labelled ‘numbers you can call’.

Sitting down on her bed in a huff, she unlocked her phone and typed in the first number on the list before she lost her nerve. The phone rang three times before there was an answer.

“Hello you’ve reached Polis Medical, my name is Harper, how can I help you today?”

“Hey Harper” Lexa responded, trying to sound as calm as possible even though her legs were bouncing with nerves. “My name is Lexa, and I was just wondering if it would be possible to book an appointment with a psychologist?”

“Of course. Have you been to our centre before?”

“No I haven’t. Is that a problem?”

“Not at all – there’s a bit of a process. You’ll have to see your GP and obtain a mental health plan and a referral from them. Once that is done, you’ll be able to book an appointment with one of our psychologist. Now, I should inform you that as we have just changed hands, we are no longer bulk billing. As a result, there will be a cost to your appointments.”

“Um, ok, yeah, that should be fine.”

“I’m just looking at our appointment sheet now Lexa, and I can see that we’re booked up for the next two months.” Harper informed her, her tone sympathetic. “If you would like, I can give you the details of some more clinics you can contact who may have availabilities sooner than us. I don’t want you to have to wait for help if we can help it.”

Lexa ran a hand through her hair and crossed Polis Medical from the top of the list. “That would be great, thanks for your help Harper.”

\----

At the end of the hour Lexa had called everyone on the list Clarke had given all, receiving the same responses from all of them.

  * They were booked up for the next couple of months
  * They currently were not taking new clients
  * There would be a hefty co-payment



This was definitely not how Lexa envisioned her day going.

\----

It was almost 5pm when Clarke pushed Annette through the front door, her lap covered in shopping bags with fish and chips balancing precariously on top of it all.

“We’re home Lexa!” Annette called out while Clarke unloaded the shopping onto the dining room table.

“In my room” came Lexa’s mumbled reply from her bedroom.

“There’s fish and chips” Clarke yelled, taking the vinegar and tomato sauce from the fridge and placing them onto the table within Annette’s reach.

“Not hungry.”

Annette stopped ripping open the paper encasing the food and looked at Clarke, concern filling her eyes.

“I’ll check on her” Clarke whispered “you eat.”

Without another word, Clarke made her way through the house and down to Lexa’s room.

“Hey Lexa, can I come in?”

“Yeah.”

Clarke pushed the door open and stepped inside, immediately noticing the red rims around Lexa’s eyes. She was sitting on her bed, her doona pulled up under her arms, her phone on the floor with the glass screen now cracked.

“What did your phone ever do to you?” Clarke asked jokingly, trying to ease the tension.

“I lost my temper” Lexa answered simply with a shrug of the shoulders, her affect flat.

Clarke furrowed her brows, immediately concerned at Lexa’s reaction. She sat down on the bed and placed a hand on her arm, noticing the way she flinched slightly when she did.

“What happened?”

“I called everyone on the list” Lexa answered “couldn’t get an appointment within the next two months with anyone. I don’t know what to do Clarke.”

Heart pounding in her chest, Clarke slid her hand down Lexa’s arm until she could clasp her hand tightly. “I’m sorry Lexa” she said, rubbing her thumb on the back of her hand. “What can I do to help?”

“Make this feeling go away?” Lexa asked desperately “make the thoughts go away? I can’t – I can’t do this again. I can’t deal with this again. Everything is spiralling and I can’t stop it.”

“Lex” Clarke started gently “I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer them honestly. I won’t judge your answers, I just want to know if you’re safe. Ok?” At Lexa’s gentle nod, she continued. “Are you having thoughts about hurting yourself?” A nod from Lexa. “Have you hurt yourself today?”

Lexa ducked her head in shame and mumbled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“Can I see?” Clarke questioned, her voice shaking slightly.

Shaking her head, Lexa tugged her jumper sleeves to cover her arms.

“I won’t judge you” Clarke insisted “I just want to see if you need medical attention.”

“I’m fine. I know what I’m doing.”

“Alright, ok, I trust you.” Clarke shuffled to pull her legs up onto the bed so she could wriggle closer to Lexa. “Lexa, are you having thoughts of suicide?”

Lexa nodded gently, tears starting to stain her cheeks.

“Have you got a plan?”

At the shake of her head, Clarke couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief.

“I’m staying the night Lexa. Not because I don’t trust you, because I do, but because you’re obviously not in a good place right now, and I don’t want you to be alone. I’m going to pop out and grab some food, then I’ll be right back and we can have a chat about what we can do. Ok?”

“Ok” Lexa answered, squeezing Clarke’s hand “thanks Clarke, thanks for trying to fix me.”

“I can’t fix you Lexa. Not because I don’t think you’re beyond help, but because I don’t think you’re broken.”

\----

Lexa didn’t speak for the entire night, sitting in silence with Clarke as they watched movies on Clarke’s laptop.

For years Lexa thought the best way to deal with her emotions was to be left alone. However, sitting with Clarke and feeling safe made her second guess her previous ways of coping.

\----

Lexa woke up at some point during the night to find herself wrapped in Clarke’s arms and her face pushed into her neck. When Lexa tried to wriggle free of Clarke’s grip, figuring that she would be uncomfortable, she found herself being pulled closer.

“Don’t you dare leave” Clarke mumbled, half asleep.

“I’ll try.”

\----

The next morning, Clarke was the first person to speak.

“I know somewhere you could get help” she said in the darkness of the room, the sunlight only just beginning to peek through the window. “I can take you there today if you want?”

“I would like that” Lexa replied, stretching her limbs slowly. “Was it one of the ones written on the list?”

“No, it wasn’t” Clarke paused for a moment, as if she were not sure whether or not to continue. “My mum, she works there. She’s a psychiatrist.  But she’s not the only one there so you won’t have to see her. I just didn’t want you to feel weird if you were going somewhere my mum worked.”

“I’ll try it.” Lexa agreed. “You’ve never really mentioned your mum before.”

“We’re not really close.” She said simply, sitting up and feeling around for the shirt she had taken off during the night. Lexa quickly closed her eyes, blocking out the image of Clarke’s bare back from her mind. “The clinic opens at 9, so we’ll get going soon.”

\----

Clarke led Lexa through the doors of _Headspace_ just after 9.30. On the car drive over, she had explained how they were a clinic specialising in young people with mental illness. Clarke reached over and squeezed Lexa’s hand gently when she stopped short of the receptionist desk.

“Want me to come up with you?”

“No” Lexa shook her head and pulled her hand from Clarke’s, wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. “I think I’ve got this.”

“Alright.” Clarke smiled and leant forward, placing a gentle kiss of encouragement on Lexa’s cheek. “I’ll be sitting right over there if you need me.”

Lexa watched Clarke retreat, sitting down slowly in a massive black armchair a couple of metres away. She gave her a thumbs up and an encouraging smile. Lexa pulled back her shoulders and raised her chin confidently. With large strides, she made her way to the receptionist’s desk. The boy behind the corner looked young and was covered neck to fingers in tattoos.

“Hey, can I help you?” He asked, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the desk.

“Yeah, um, I was wondering if I would be able to make an appointment to see a counsellor or something? I’ve not been – I’ve been going through some difficulties lately.”

“Of course” he responded, pulling a clipboard from a file in front of him. “I’ll just get you to fill out this form and we’ll see how we can help you.”

\----

Lexa walked out of _Headspace_ with an appointment card tucked safely into her jacket pocket.

“I’m so fucking proud of you” Clarke said as soon as they had left the building. “You have no idea.”

Walking hand in hand with Clarke, Lexa knew that she was going to be ok. Maybe not to day, and not tomorrow, but with someone like Clarke by her side she would get there eventually.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The feels are revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive apologies for taking so long to update. In good news, my exams are all done and I'm finished uni forever!! So I'll have more time to write and update (I hope).
> 
> To people asking - Lexa will not die in this. Take a breath, I will take care of our baby.   
> Also, Headspace (where I have Lexa going to see a psych) is a legit thing here in Aus and it's pretty great. It's a youth specific mental health outpatient facility that provides affordable and accessible healthcare to people under the age of 25. Honestly they're such a great organisation that is losing funding under the current Liberal government, and may need to close facilities as a consequence. They're really close to my heart, and I owe so much to my mental health team at Headspace - just wanted to share that with you guys.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy and please leave a comment if you have anything you want to see, and if you liked where this is finally heading!! (or just leave me a comment to wish me luck on my date tomorrow hahah)

Lexa sat on the couch across from her mental health nurse, Adam, and fiddled with the tassel on her hoodie.

“So Lexa, loaded question, how have you been since our session last week?”

Adam was nice. That was the first thing that Lexa noticed. He didn’t come in on his high horse, proclaiming that he could fix her and make her problems disappear. He was realistic and open, giving Lexa a safe space to speak and work through her feelings. In previous years, Lexa had seen psychologists and psychiatrists who wanted to pump her with medications, or who declared early on that they would have her ‘back to her normal self in four weeks’. Honestly, Lexa always felt like they were trying to sell something, or that she was just another number, some more money coming in the door. With Adam she felt different. He offered her tea and biscuits, and didn’t push her to talk. In their first session they spent the hour discussing the pros and cons of cooking with condensed milk. He was sweet and kind and everything Lexa needed.

“I’ve been pretty good.” Lexa responded, leaning back into the couch slightly.

“Anymore outbursts of anger?”

“None since last time – there’s been some close calls but I’ve controlled them.”

“Any thoughts of hurting yourself? You mentioned last week that you were struggling a bit.”

“The thoughts have been there” Lexa admitting, picking the skin on the back of her hand “but I haven’t acted on them.”

“That’s really great Lexa” Adam said, smiling and giving her a small thumbs up. “Just remember if you ever feel like you’re going to hurt yourself, don’t hesitate to call me.” He paused and leant back into the chair, mimicking Lexa’s posture. “And how are things at home?”

 “Things have been going pretty ok at home. Clarke’s been helping me get back into studying and keeping on track which is good.”

Adam nodded and wrote down some short notes on a note pad. “You speak about Clarke quite a lot, it’s great that you have a friend who supports you.”

“Yeah, Clarke is a great support” Lexa agreed, her eyes lighting up at the mention of her friend. “She’s helped to take off some of the stress with mum, and helped me through this. She means a lot to me, so I’m actually surprising her today. She’s been working really hard on an assignment so I’m dropping in to make sure she has a break.”

“It sounds like you really like her” Adam noted “her friendship with you has really made an impact on your life.”

“She means the world to me.”

\---- 

Clarke kept locking and unlocking her phone, trying to resist the urge to text Lexa. She knew that Lexa was at her appointment, but hated not talking to her. Whenever more than two hours passed without contact from her, Clarke couldn’t help but feel worried.

On top of the concern for Lexa, was Clarke’s ever growing crush - that also made her want to be in contact with her twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.

“What do I do Raven?” Clarke whined as she fell face first onto her bed “how do I tell her that I like her?”

Raven looked up from the pile of lego spread out in front of her and smiled sympathetically at Clarke. “Can you just tell her?” She asked “just go ‘hey Lexa, I like you a lot, want to go on a date?’”

“I don’t think that will work.”

“Yeah you’re probably right” Raven agreed. “Have you seen my bronze lego gear? I know it was here when I pulled apart the last car I made.”

“Check under the bed maybe?” Clarke rolled onto her back and glared up at the ceiling. “I just don’t know how long I can go on like this for – I really like her Raven. It’s kind of pathetic. I’m so into her and I don’t know what to do. What if she doesn’t feel the same way and I’ve gone and destroyed a perfectly good friendship.”

Raven stood and sat on the edge of the bed, resting her hand on Clarke’s ankle.

“I don’t think Lexa would be like that – she obviously cares for you Clarke, and I don’t think she seems like the type of person to cut all ties if she found out you like her.”

Clarke groaned and covered her face with her hands. “Why does all of this have to be so damn hard? I see her all the time and she’s always around and I just can’t stand it. I can’t stand being her friend anymore.”

Raven watched on as Clarke’s chest rose and fell heavily with each shuddering intake of breath. “What do you want then Clarke?”

“I want more. I want so much more.”

\----

_“_ Why does all of this have to be so damn hard? I see her all the time and she’s always around and I just can’t stand it. I can’t stand being her friend anymore.”

Though Clarke’s voice was muffled through the door, it was loud and clear in Lexa’s ears. Her breath caught in her throat and she didn’t even try to control the trembling in her hands.

_Why does all of this have to be so damn hard?_

_I just can’t stand it_

_I can’t stand being her friend anymore_

She gripped the bouquet of flowers in her hand, and with her eyes clouded with tears she stormed out – ignoring the calls from Octavia in the kitchen.

Without a thought, Lexa threw the flowers onto the road and jumped on her bike, not bothering to put her helmet back on.

Lexa was right – they all betrayed her eventually.

\----

“I need to tell her” Clarke decided, nodding as if confirming the statement with herself. “I really need to tell her. Because she means so much to me and I need to know – I just need to know if there’s a chance for something more with her.”

Just as Raven was about to respond, there was a knock on Clarke’s bedroom door.

“We’re decent!” Raven called out.

The door opened and Octavia popped her head inside. She looked apprehensive and Clarke couldn’t help but feel concerned – Octavia was almost never worried about anything. “So…Lexa was just here” she said “and she just stormed out looking really upset? Did something happen?”

“Oh fuck!” Clarke leapt off the bed, landing on the lego that was scattered across the floor. “Do you think she heard? Do you think she knows?” Grabbing her jacket from the back of her desk chair, Clarke slid her arms through while also trying to find a pair of socks.

Raven followed and helped Clarke pull on her jacket. “Probably, especially if she left so quickly. She might be shocked, or embarrassed.”

“Fuck, what have I done?” Clarke said as she pushed past Octavia and sped through the hallway to get her keys. “Do you know which way she went?”

Octavia looked flustered and shook her head helplessly. “Sorry Clarke, all I know is that she came in on her bike.”

“I – I need to…”

Raven opened the front door and all but pushed Clarke outside. “Go Clarke. Go get your girl.”

\----

The wind pushed Lexa’s hair in front of her eyes, obscuring her vision, but she didn’t have it in her to care. How could she be so stupid? How could she actually think that someone might be able to put up with her? She knew it was too good to be true.

She pedalled at break neck speed, not paying attention to her surroundings. By now the tears were flowing freely down her cheeks.

_‘She doesn’t care…she never cared…Clarke never cared’._

She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t hear the screeching of tires or see Clarke do an illegal u-turn up ahead of her. By the time she recognised Clarke’s car, it was too late to turn around or run.

Clarke jumped out of her car and stood on the footpath where Lexa was quickly approaching her.

“Lexa!” She yelled, cupping her hands around her mouth to amplify her voice. A small spark of hope lit in her chest when she saw Lexa look up, but died quickly when she saw how wet her face was.

Knowing that she wouldn’t be able to run away forever, Lexa skidded to a halt next to Clarke and angrily wiped at her eyes. “Don’t worry, you don’t need to come back again. I’ll pay you for your last shift, but I don’t expect you to come back. And I’ll give you back the book you left at mine – I’ll post it tonight.”

Before Clarke could get a word in, Lexa was already pushing off to continue along her way.

“Hey” Clarke said, lunging forward to grip onto the handlebars. “Hey, what? What do you mean? What do you mean I don’t need to come back? What’s going on?”

“Let go Clarke!” Lexa yelled, attempting to yank her bike out of Clarke’s strong grip. “Ok, I heard what you said and I just don’t need to be dealing with this right now.”

“No. Just wait.” Clarke pleaded, stepping in front of the bike to hold the tyre with her legs, preventing Lexa from moving. “Please, please just look at me and let me explain.”

“I don’t need an explanation Clarke” Lexa responded, finally looking Clarke in the eye. Though her eyes shimmered with sadness, there was no mistaking the strong fire and anger behind them. “I heard everything you said to Raven and I don’t need you to explain yourself – everybody leaves. I know that already.”

“Oh…you heard what I said?” Clarke asked, a soft blush creeping up her cheeks.

“I did, so just let me go. Then you won’t ever have to see me again.”

Brows furrowed, Clarke asked “why won’t I see you again? What makes you think I don’t want to see you again? What’s going on?”

“Why does all of this have to be so damn hard? I see her all the time and she’s always around and I just can’t stand it. I can’t stand being her friend anymore.” Lexa mimicked, her face cold and free from any emotion. “Why didn’t you just tell me?” Her voice quivered slightly at the question, her voice soft for the first time in the confrontation.

“Oh Lexa” Clarke sighed, laughing nervously and shaking her head. “You’ve got it all wrong.”

“It seems perfectly clear to me.”

“No, you – you just caught the tail end of that conversation” Clarke explained, taking her hands from Lexa’s handlebars to cross them across her chest. “I didn’t expect to be telling you like this – I was going to tell you though, I just had to work out how.”

“Tell me what?” Despite her previous anger, Lexa was curious. She had known Clarke long enough to be able to tell when she was lying or stepping around the truth, but right now Lexa could tell she was being honest.

“I um – well…this is not going to be as smooth as I had hoped. I had been thinking like flowers and a movie and a sunset maybe, not an argument with me basically holding you hostage.” Clarke ran a hand through her hair and quickly bit at her thumbnail – a nervous habit she had been unable to kick. “After that whole ‘I don’t want to be her friend anymore’ spiel, Raven asked me something, which I assume you didn’t hear.” She took a shaky breath and clasped her hands in front of her body, her heart thumping loudly in her ears. “She asked me what I wanted. And I want more.” Clarke squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed heavily “I want so much more.” She repeated, her voice barely above a whisper. “I was asking why it was so hard to just tell you how I feel. And I can’t stand being around you and feeling like I’m pretending and hiding something – because I care for you so much and I have these feelings for you that scare me. And I can’t stand being your friend anymore, because if you were just my friend I wouldn’t be wanting to kiss you and take you out for fancy dinners and hold you all night.”

When Clarke finally met Lexa’s gaze, she almost smiled at the comical expression on her face – her eyes bulging and mouth hanging open slightly.

“Don’t get me wrong – I love being your friend” Clarke continued “and I understand if you don’t feel the same way…but I’m not leaving you. Ok?”

Lexa blinked repeatedly and opened and shut her mouth, her lips smacking together audibly. “You’re not leaving?” She finally asked.

“No, never.” Clarke answered sincerely.

“And you – you like me?” She questioned nervously, not quite sure if her mind had actually made up the whole interaction.

“I really do.” Clarke confirmed, giving Lexa a small smile. She reached out and rubbed her thumb against Lexa’s hand which gripped the handlebar tightly, knowing that physical contact tended to help her calm down.

“Oh…I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t fuck up Lexa” Clarke assured her, noticing how tense Lexa was and how ashamed she looked. “We just got our wires crossed that’s all.”

“I shouldn’t have reacted like that though.” Lexa raised her chin and sucked in a deep breath through gritted teeth. “I shouldn’t have just thought the worst of the situation. I always do this.”

“It’s really not a problem. I’m just glad you know now.” Clarke admitted, feeling a sense of relief despite the enormity of the situation.  She gripped onto Lexa’s hand tightly, her own palm sweaty against Lexa’s dry, calloused skin. Though she had done this many times, now that her confession was out in the arm, it seemed to hold a whole new meaning. Lexa knew how Clarke felt and she wasn’t pulling away and hiding – it wasn’t much, but it was a small step.

Lexa nodded slowly and said “I don’t know how I feel Clarke. I know I feel something. I don’t know what it is though.”

“I know that I kind of just sprung this on you” Clarke replied, taking a step away from Lexa and gesturing towards her car that sat idling on the side of the road. “Maybe I could take you home and we could talk? If you would like to?”

Feeling the heaviness begin to ease from her chest, Lexa smiled. “Yes, I would like that.”

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The talk dum dum dum dummmmm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long folks - placement has been hectic as and I've barely had a chance to do any writing. Sorry that this is a shorter chapter, but I wanted to give you guys something. Anyway, hope you like it, and comments are much appreciated <3 (also apologies for all the dialogue)

The drive back to Lexa’s house was silent. Clarke kept on shifting in her seat nervously, her hands tightly clenching the wheel until her knuckles went white. Lexa had her arms folded across her chest and kept her gaze trained straightforward, taking deep breaths to calm her racing heart.

Clarke likes her.

Clarke Griffin, a literal goddess in Lexa’s eyes, liked her, a literal hot mess.

She couldn’t deny that she had feelings for Clarke. That much was obvious. But needing to confront and deal with those feelings was a whole different ball game.

“Sooooooo” Clarke drawled, her voice shaking slightly. “How was your appointment this morning?”

“Fine thanks.” Lexa answered simply, unfolding her arms to clasp her hands together on her lap. “How’s the studying going?”

“Honestly, I’m not getting much done.”

“Why’s that?”

“I kept getting distracted” Clarke replied with a casual shrug of her shoulders. “Thinking about you and what I was going to say about it.”

Lexa blushed and ducked her head, trying to hide her reaction from Clarke. “Oh…well I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, please don’t apologise.” Clarke gripped the wheel tightly and struggled to keep her eyes on the road. Her hearth thudded erratically against her ribcage and she was sure that her face was red with embarrassment. Even though her entire being itched to talk to Lexa about her feelings, she knew that this was not a conversation to have in the car. No. Lexa deserved more than a rushed and distracted conversation.

Normally Clarke loved going driving with Lexa. She was always so carefree when they were driving around, playing with the radio until she found her favourite song or hanging her head out the window to get a better look at the passing scenery.

It also didn’t hurt that the confined space was filled with the smell of Lexa’s perfume.

For once though, Clarke couldn’t wait to reach their destination.

\----

“Is that you Lexa? I hope it is you…because if it’s not then we’re getting robbed and that won’t be good…so if you’re not Lexa, I will have you know that I can move very fast in my wheelchair.”

Lexa sighed and rolled her eyes good naturedly. “She does this every time” she murmured to Clarke as she hung her jacket up on the coat rack behind the door. “Yeah it’s me mum!” She called in response.

“And Clarke!” Clarke added on, slipping her shoes off and pushing them onto the mat, the behaviour almost second nature by now.

“My two favourite people, excellent. Before you two go and do your thing and I do my thing, can you please help me…I’m in a bit of a pickle.”

Lexa’s eyes widened and she rushed through the house to where Annette’s voice was coming from the kitchen. Clarke followed closely behind, well aware of Annette’s tendency to play down her problems.

There in the kitchen was Annette. More specifically, she was on the floor, her wheelchair tipped on its side next to her. Of course she was smiling despite her situation.

“I’ve recently become well acquainted with the kitchen floor as you may have noticed – did you know Lexa that there are 16 tiles between my face and the fridge? I didn’t know either until recently. Also. I think we need to move the fridge out and clean underneath it, it’s very dusty.”

“Mum what happened?!” Lexa all but screamed as she crouched down beside her mum, hooking an arm underneath hers to pull her up into a seated position. “Why didn’t you call?”

“I was fine waiting” Annette explained, smiling at her daughter brightly. “I didn’t have to wait long either.”

“You could’ve called, either of us would’ve come to help.” Clarke said, helping to support Annette’s back.

“It’s your day off, there’s no way I was going to call you Clarke.” Annette responded.

“You call me anytime – I don’t care when, if you need help you can call me.” Clarke offered earnestly, moving to take the arm Lexa didn’t have. “Watch your back Lexa, we lift on three, then you hold her up and I’ll guide into the chair.”

Lexa nodded and shuffled her feet to get a good position. “Alright mum, quick like a band aid – one, two and three.”

Together Clarke and Lexa lifted Annette from the fall and into the wheelchair that Clarke had brought round to sit beside them.

“Like a well oiled machine” Annette complimented the girls, nodding to herself as she adjusted herself in the chair. “Thanks ladies, you go do your thing now.”

“Mum” Lexa said sternly, resisting the urge to put her hands on her hips. “What happened?”

Annette shrugged her shoulders and waved a dismissive hand at Lexa’s concerned look. “Oh I just had a violent sneezing fit. One minute I was sneezing my head off, the next I was falling off the chair. You know how much momentum I get when I sneeze, Lexa.”

“Jesus Mum, this is why you’re meant to put the strap around your waist while I’m not home – in case something like this happens! What if you’d hurt yourself? You could’ve broken something.”

“Lexa, I’m fine. I’m sorry I scared you, and I’ll remember to strap myself in next time, but I’m ok. I promise. I’m not hurt. I’m ok.”

Lexa nodded but ran a hand through her hair, her bottom lip trembling slightly. Noticing Lexa’s agitation, Clarke stepped in.

“I’ll give you a look over Annette” she said, placing a hand on Lexa’s shoulder and rubbing it to calm her down. “See if you’ve hurt yourself at all, does that sound ok?”

“Sounds a bit over the top” Annette admitted but nodded anyway “I’ll do it though.”

\----

After thoroughly checking Annette over, Clarke was confident that she was not seriously injured. Besides a nasty looking bruise beginning to bloom on her elbow, there was no evidence of any fall ever occurring. After reassurances that she was fine, Annette all but chased Clarke through the house down to Lexa’s room where she was waiting.

After jokingly glaring at Annette and shooing her away, Clarke knocked on Lexa’s bedroom door.

“Come in” Lexa’s quiet reply came from within.

Taking a steadying breath, Clarke pushed the door open and shut it gently behind her. She smiled softly at Lexa and nervously wrung her hands together. Lexa was sitting cross legged on her bed, arms folded across her chest in a protective manner.

“This whole talk is a lot more intimidating now than when I imagined it in my head” Clarke confessed with a nervous laugh.

“You imagined this?” Lexa asked, watching as Clarke sat across from her and mirrored her positioning.

“Yeah, well, I was going to tell you. So this talk would have had to have happened at some point. Right?”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right.”

Clarke nodded and looked everywhere but at Lexa. With her eyes locked on a poster above the head of Lexa’s bed, she continued. “I don’t even know what to say really. I like you. A lot. That much has been established.” Clarke swallowed thickly and watched Lexa fidget out of the corner of her eye.

There was a moment of silence before Lexa asked shyly – “why?”

“Why do I like you?”

“Yes, I just don’t understand.” Lexa shrugged her shoulders “I don’t know how someone like you could like someone like me.”

“Someone like you?” Clarke repeated. “Lexa, I like you for who you are. You’re you and that’s why I like you.”

“That’s not really an explanation Clarke.”

“Ok, well, let me try and pin point it. I like you because you’re strong and so caring. Because you can always tell when I’m stressed and need to go home from a shift early. I like you because despite all the shit you’ve been through, you’re still trying. I like you because you make me want to be the best version of myself. When I’m with you I feel…I feel like I’m understood and that I’m safe. Like you won’t judge me.” Clarke squeezed her eyes shut and smiled, an image forming in her mind. “I like you because when you smile it makes my heart go wild. All of this scares me, because it’s so intense and it’s the most cliché thing in the book to fall for a friend…but it’s happened. And I don’t regret it at all.”

Lexa sat in stunned silence, her mouth hanging slightly agape.

“That was uh – that was a very comprehensive list of reasons” Lexa stammered, rubbing her neck and dipping her head to try and hide the bright red blush spreading across her cheeks.

“There are more reasons obviously” Clarke scoffed jokingly, trying to lighten the heavy tension. “I just don’t want to sound like a creep as I gush over how much I love it when you wear your leather jacket, or when you poke your tongue out when you’re concentrating.”

“I do not!” Lexa laughed and shook her head, not believing that Clarke had ever noticed her doing such a thing.

“You do” she responded softly “it’s very cute.” Reaching across the bed, Clarke put her hand on top of one of Lexa’s, her thumb rubbing across her soft skin. “I know that this is probably a lot to take in, and I don’t expect anything from this. I’m happy to stay your friend, for as long as you want me around.”

“I want you, Clarke.” Lexa stated with conviction, some strength finally coming back into her. “I like you, but with everything going on right now, I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind to begin a romantic relationship. I’m sorry. I hope you know how sorry I am.”

“It’s alright” Clarke assured her, smiling sadly. “Like I said, I don’t expect anything. I would rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all.”

Lexa nodded and turned her hand over in Clarke’s to grip on tightly. “So what do we do now?”

“We just go on like we were. We’re friends so we continue being friends, simple as that.”

“But now there’s feelings involved” Lexa pointed out “romantic feelings.”

“There’s been romantic feelings involved on my side for a while, so really it’s no different for me.”

Lexa nodded and unconsciously shuffled closed to Clarke. “Those emotions are not one sided.”

Finally it was Clarke’s turn to blush furiously. For weeks she had been so worried that her feelings were one sided – that Lexa didn’t see her as anything more than a friend. While she understood Lexa’s hesitancy in being with her, her openness with her feelings gave Clarke hope that there might be a chance. “If we’re both on the same page, maybe someday this will work?” Clarke said, trying to sound as causal as possible.

“I hope so.”

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long everyone. Hope this chapter is ok...please let me know. This was a difficult one to write and I spoke a lot with my client about Freidriech's and how life changing it is. And sorry it's short
> 
> (Also my placement is done, so I'm home now...and...I've applied for my registration as a nurse!! So excited haha)

To say that the relationship between Clarke and Lexa was tense would be an understatement.

It had been three weeks since Clarke had laid her feelings bare, and she had tried her best to keep things normal. She treated Lexa exactly the same, she joked with her and waited for her to come home once her shift with Annette finished. Essentially she continued on like nothing had happened. That was what they were meant to do after all.

Lexa was obviously struggling though.

She was never in the same room as Clarke for longer than she had to be, and they were almost never alone. She sporadically responded to text messages with short responses, and never went over to Clarke’s to study.

Clarke didn’t like it a single bit.

It was stewing at her and made her feel more unsettled than she would like to admit.

Clarke was no stranger to rejection. What happened with Lexa though, that didn’t feel like a rejection. In a way a flat out no would’ve been easier. At least then she would’ve known that there was no chance of them ever being more than friends. But the way things stood now – open and up in the air – that left Clarke in purgatory.

She thought that hiding her feelings from Lexa was bad. However this was much was. So much worse. It felt like she had lost her friend, like she had completely ruined everything that had built together. In the short time they had known each other they had developed a unique friendship based. Clarke would always look forward to seeing Lexa and sharing stories about her day with her. She would get excited when Annette would ask her to stay for dinner. Her heart would race every time Lexa signed off a text with a simple ‘xx’. But now Clarke felt like she was imposing in the house she used to feel so comfortable in. She turned down every dinner offer and left work as soon as she was finished.

Her phone never lit up with Lexa’s name, and it was hard not to be disappointed.

Clarke just wanted her friend back.

\----

Lexa pushed open the doors to the doctor’s practice with a huff, the heavy wooden doors creaking as they moved. She had been going to the same doctor for as long as she could remember, and her mother had been doing the same. Dr Indra Tri was one of the few Friedreich’s Ataxia specialists in the country. She had been conducting research for the majority of her career, trying to find a new way to treat or slow down the progression of the condition that was gradually claiming Annette’s life. Lexa trusted her with everything.

“So, how long have you had the balance problems?” Indra put her pen down onto her desk and leaned back in her large leather chair, clasping her hands in her lap and smiling at Lexa.

“For a while” Lexa answered, squirming in her seat “a couple of months at least. I can’t pin point when it began. I just started falling over.”

“And is there anything that could’ve caused this? Did you feel faint before standing?”

“No, I’ve never felt faint. I will just lose my balance. And I’ve had some trouble with fine motor movement.” Lexa paused and tightened her pony tail in an attempt to control one aspect of her body. “I’ve had my concerns. But I was afraid…stupidly I thought that if I ignored it, that it might just stopped. I thought I was working myself up and creating symptoms I didn’t actually have.”

Indra nodded and reached across to squeeze one of Lexa’s hands. She had always been one for physical comfort, being able to gage when her patients needed a hug more than the cold hard facts. “I’m glad that you’ve come now at least. If we catch this early, we might be able to slow it down…I can’t stop it yet, but I can slow it down. It will be hard. But if you do have Friedreich’s, early physical therapy could delay you going into a wheelchair for a couple of years.”

“So you think I’ve got it?” Lexa’s voice was uncharacteristically small. Her breath shook as she tried to remain calm. Logically she knew what the answer would be – after all she was the one to first suspect it. She had thought for more than a year that she was developing Friedreich’s Ataxia. With the falls and shaking hands, even she couldn’t ignore the obvious symptoms.

“I can’t say for certain” Indra responded “but I think there’s a chance. Your mum’s diagnosis came later in life as well, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you developed it later on as well. Whatever the outcome, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that you can live as full of a life as possible.”

Lexa left the appointment with four more appointment cards for follow up testing. In less than two months she would know her fate.

\----

The buzzing of her phone and loud vibration woke Clarke up from the nap she was having. She fumbled around her bedside table, finally grasping the offending item. Without looking at the caller ID she swiped to answer and held the phone up to her ear.  

“Hello!” Clarke all but yelled, her voice breaking and croaking. She coughed and repeated quieter this time “hello.”

“Clarke?”

The quiver in Lexa’s voice made Clarke wake up immediately. She sat up in bed, her head spinning at the sudden movement.

“Lexa, how are you? How are things? What’s cracking?” Rambling was something that Clarke didn’t do frequently. She only did it if she was nervous or worried – and right now she was both. Nervous because seriously, how could she not be nervous around Lexa? Worried because Lexa never called her, and to be hearing from her after nearly three weeks of silence – well that set off alarm bells for Clarke.  

“I’m sorry to bother you” Lexa said in answer “I just – I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Hey, don’t apologise for calling…is there something wrong?”

“Yes, no, maybe, I’m not exactly sure yet. It might be nothing or it might be everything.”

Clarke heard Lexa sniffle, the sound making her chest tighten with emotion. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Clarke could hear Lexa inhale and exhale loudly and imagined her running a hand through her hair like she does when she’s stressed. “I can’t just talk to you about it, not after how I’ve been treating you.”

“I said that would always be here for you – regardless, no questions asked.”

“I’ve been avoiding you Clarke” Lexa continued anyway, ignoring Clarke’s assurance.

“I know you have, but I know you’re probably overwhelmed and we need to work on being friends again and that’s fine. In the meantime though, we can work on being friends and getting rid of this avoidance by talking about what’s upsetting you.”

“Nothing’s upsetting me” Lexa weakly defended herself. “I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you for a second.” Clarke stood from her bed and walked around her room, collecting two socks and a relatively clean shirt from the floor, dressing herself as she spoke. “Where are you?”

“Outside of Tristar Medical Centre.”

“Alright, I’m coming to get you and we can talk. Just hold tight for a bit.”

\----

Clarke had picked up Lexa and driven them to a park. They sat on the swings in silence, swaying slightly as they dragged their feet through the tanbark. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the air was clear, a complete contrast to the storm brewing inside of Lexa.

“When mum was diagnosed with Friedreich’s, everything changed. She didn’t have the money to get physiotherapy, she couldn’t afford some of the medications that helped with the pain…she had me so she couldn’t afford these things which could prolong her life.”

“Please don’t blame yourself Lexa” Clarke said, spinning the chains of the swing so she could face Lexa.

“I don’t, not anymore really. That’s not what’s upsetting me though” Lexa confessed, not turning to meet Clarke’s worried gaze. “I went to the doctors today. I’ve been a bit worried.”

“About what?” She asked, even though she knew what the answer would be. She’d picked up little things over time, the way Lexa’s gait had changed and become more unsteady, how much she struggled to control her hands when doing her makeup. She’d seen these things and hadn’t wanted to believe it, hadn’t wanted to see it.

“I’ve been falling over a lot.”

“That happens to everyone though.”  

“I’m losing my fine motor control Clarke. I fall over all the time – at the library, at your place, countless times at work and at home. I ignored it at first, brushed it off as clumsiness, but I can’t ignore it anymore. Some of the first symptoms of Friedreich’s are loss of balance, decreased hand-eye co-ordination, and an unsteady gait.” Lexa tilted her head up to the sky, her chest rising and falling steadily with each intake of breath. “I think I’ve got it.”

Those were the words that Clarke had feared hearing since she started falling for Lexa. Her heart plummeted into her stomach and she swallowed the bile that rose in her throat.

 _‘Please don’t say it’_ Clarke thought, begging with whoever/whatever might be listening to her. _‘Please be ok, please don’t say it.’_

“I think I’ve got Friedreich’s” Lexa continued, wiping away the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks. “I’m starting the testing later this week. I have some blood tests, a couple of ECGs, an MRI, CAT scan, basically everything. I’ll know in two months whether I have it.”

“Lexa.”

“That’s why I ran.” Lexa explained, ignoring Clarke’s interjection. She jumped from her swing and started pacing in front of Clarke. “I had my suspicions and I can’t start something with you when I’m not ok – but I never will be ok. Even if I get my mental health under control, I could have Friedreich’s…and I can’t tie you down with that.”

“Isn’t that my decision to make though?” Clarke pointed out.

“Clarke, I really appreciate your support but I can’t tie you down with this. I’ll probably never be able to have kids. In a couple of years I won’t be able to walk. I’ll need someone to shower me, dress me, and take me to the toilet. I can’t bring you into that life.”

“Lexa I walked into this life.” Clarke stood up and walked over to Lexa, placing her hands on her shoulders to halt her pacing. “I walked into this life the moment I answered your ad. I’m in this. I really like you and nothing can change that.”

Lexa shook her head and refused to look Clarke in the eye. “If I have Friedreich’s I can’t be with you. You deserve more than being with someone who can’t be what you deserve. You deserve more than me.”

“I don’t want anyone else Lexa” Clarke whispered her confession “I want you. If you have Friedreich’s that won’t change.”

“You can’t guarantee that.” Lexa challenged, her eyes sad and facial expression flat. “I could be in a wheelchair by the end of the year…who wants a girlfriend in a wheelchair?”

“These are all potentials Lexa. These are maybes. None of this is for certain. The only thing I know for certain is that I really like you and that won’t change. Regardless of if you’re in a wheelchair. None of that bothers me…you’ll always be you, and that’s what’s important.”

“You really wouldn’t care?” Lexa couldn’t help but ask. She knew that Clarke wasn’t lying – she wouldn’t do that. But this was something she found hard to believe. How could Clarke like her enough to stay with her through something like this?

Clarke smiled gently at her and cupped her cheek, finding the skin damp with tears. “I only care about you. That’s all. I don’t care if you’re in a wheelchair or need help showering yourself. I just care about you, and everything else is just something we can work through.”

Lexa was never one to initiate hugs. Not everyone enjoyed physical contact so she had always just waited until the other person initiated contact. This situation was different. She let out a shuddering breath and stepped into Clarke’s body, burying her nose into her neck and wrapping her arms around her waist. Clarke responded immediately, pulling her close and pressing soft kisses into her hair.

“We’ll get through this. I promise Lexa, we’ll get through this.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is smooth and Clarke continues to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry it's taken so long, and sorry it's so short :/ things have just been a bit hectic here so I've been really struggling with writing which is shit but oh well. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter which is a bit of a filler tbh...lemme know what you think <3

“Raven, I swear to god you better be home because I’m about to have a fucking meltdown and I need you to be my voice of reason!” Clarke announced her entrance loudly, her voice wobbling with the effort of keeping herself from crying. She dumped her keys and bag on the kitchen bench, holding onto it for support while she waited for her friend. “Raven!”

There was a clunk down the hallway followed by a muffled “I’m here! Just give me a second.” A moment later Raven came into view, struggling to pull a shirt over her head while she hobbled out with a crutch.

Clarke groaned and buried her face in her hands. “Were you having sex? Did I interrupt again? I’m so sorry.”

“Nah, I was just working out” Raven responded, rubbing a hand up and down Clarke’s back gently. “Why are you having a meltdown?”

Clarke’s shoulders sagged and she all but fell onto the kitchen bench, her chest hitting it with a dull thud while her elbows caught some of the weight. “Lexa.”

If this were a movie, Raven would proclaim that a shiver ran down her spine at the mention of Lexa’s name. But this wasn’t a movie, this was real life. The feeling couldn’t be described as a shiver, more so like a blanket had been thrown over her body, suffocating her with dread.

“Is she still not talking to you?”

“She’s talking to me. She explained why she had been avoiding me and god, part of me wishes she hadn’t.”

Raven gently rubbed circles on Clarke’s back, the rough skin of her hands catching slightly on the material of her shirt. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Clarke lifted her head and looked at Raven, a sad expression on her face. “I don’t know if I can talk about it – I don’t think it’s my story to tell. But because of it, she doesn’t think she’s good enough for me.” Clarke shrugged her shoulders weakly and shook her head “I really want her to believe me. I want her to believe that I’m not just going to get scared and leave.”

“She doubts herself so much, you know how hard it was for her to accept your friendship, imagine how hard it must be for her to believe that you actually like her.” Raven reasoned, though she knew she was just telling Clarke what she already knew. “Give her some time, some space if she needs it. Maybe do something to show her how much you care about her.”

Clarke considered Raven’s suggestion and nodded slowly. “I was thinking of doing something, just to help her get away from everything. Nothing grand though – just watching some documentaries maybe.”

“Sounds good” Raven agreed. “But first, I need you to do something for me.”

“Yeah what do you need help with? Do I need to tighten your brace again? That damn thing gets loose way too quick, I think you need a new one.” Clarke rambled, already crouched down to fiddle with the screws holding the brace together. It was a switch had flicked in her head, her mind pushing her own troubles to the side in order to deal with whatever was wrong.

Raven laughed and shook her head. Of course Clarke was thinking about her wellbeing. That was one of the first things Raven learn about Clarke, she was so empathetic and caring that it was almost annoying sometimes. Clarke was the epitome of ‘setting yourself on fire to keep others warm’, and she was known to sacrifice her own sleep and sanity to help a friend out. This conversation was a prime example – Clarke had begun with the declaration of being on the verge of a meltdown, and within less than five minutes she was already thinking of ways to look after someone else, without actually addressing her own problem.

“No Clarke”, Raven responded, holding her hand out for Clarke to grab onto to pull herself up. Clarke smiled and held onto the bench to pull herself up instead, leaving Raven to drop her hand by her side. “I want you to have an evening for yourself. I want you to have a long bath and listen to the new CD you bought a year ago that you never got a chance to sit down and listen to. I want you to lie in bed and watch _Legally Blonde_ because it’s your favourite movie and you haven’t watched it since you started working with Annette. I want you to tell me what you want for dinner and I’ll bring it to you in bed, I might even wear a sexy maid outfit if I’m feeling so inclined.” Clarke chuckled at the image. “I just want you to look after yourself as well Clarke, because you’re important and you keep forgetting about yourself.”

Clarke was stunned for a moment at the change of direction the conversation took. Sure she was busy, but she was still looking after herself. Work, university and Lexa were keeping her busy, but all in all she was managing. “I appreciate it Raven, but I’m fine.” Clarke insisted, though even she could hear the doubt in her tone of voice.

“You are not fine, and that’s ok.” Raven placed a hand on Clarke’s bicep and gripped her gently. “Nobody expects you to be Wonder Woman, you don’t need to help everyone all the time.”

Clarke nodded in agreement, her head starting to thump with a headache that had creeped in from the stress of the last couple of weeks. She gently rubbed her temples and tried to ignore Raven’s look of concern. “Ok, I’ll do it. I’ll have an evening for me.”

\---

If there was one thing in life that Clarke would honestly kill a man for, it was a nice hot bath. She couldn’t hold back her moan when she slipped into the hot water, the steam fogging up the mirror. If she bent her knees slightly and lied back at _just_ the right angle, she was able to get the water to cover her knees and her breasts, which was quite an accomplishment.

The bathroom was filled with the soft light of the tea lights Clarke had placed along the vanity and the edge of the bath. If Raven and Octavia saw this they would have a field day – they never could quite understand the aesthetic to a good bath. She had set up her CD player a good distance away from the bath, Adele’s _25_ album playing softly in the background.

Yes. Raven was right. This was definitely a good idea.

She pushed and pulled the bubbles around the bath, eventually giving in to the desire to make herself a bubble beard. She grinned at herself while she perfected her bubble facial hair. After ensuring that she was decently covered, Clarke took a photo and added it to her snapchat story. No sooner had she put her phone down and washed the bubbles off her face, did her phone buzz with a text notification.

**_Lexa:_ ** _nice bubble beard…it brings out your eyes_

**_Clarke:_ ** _I’m glad you find my facial hair attractive…I worked very hard to perfect it_

**_Lexa:_ ** _You would be attractive, even with a beard_

**_Lexa:_ ** _Ignore that._

**_Lexa:_ ** _What I meant was that you are very attractive and not much can change that._

**_Lexa:_ ** _But please ignore that comment._

**_Lexa:_ ** _I swear it sounded better in my head._

**_Clarke:_ ** _I take compliments where I can :D_

**_Lexa:_ ** _You really are very beautiful_

**_Lexa:_ ** _That’s a proper compliment_

Clarke stared at her phone, gripping it tightly so she wouldn’t drop it in the bath.

Yes, people had called her beautiful before. They had kissed her and held her and told her that she was gorgeous and sexy and _oh my god, you’re so fucking hot_. Clarke knew she was attractive.

But when Lexa said it, there was something different. She knew Lexa wasn’t just saying it to get something, she knew it wasn’t just being said in a moment of passion. Lexa meant it, and that’s what made it different. It’s what made her stomach clench and heart thud heavily in her chest.

**_Clarke:_ ** _I almost believe it when you say it_

**_Lexa:_ ** _You are gorgeous, inside and out. That’s what makes you, you. You’re just Clarke, and Clarke is magnificent._

**_Clarke:_ ** _You don’t need to woo me Lexa, I already like you :)_

**_Lexa:_ ** _I’m not trying to woo you though, just telling the truth_

**_Clarke:_ ** _Smooth talker_

**_Lexa:_ ** _You haven’t seen anything yet Clarke._

_\----_

The reality of the day didn’t truly hit Clarke until she was lying alone in bed at 3am unable to sleep. She tossed and turned, her sheets getting tangled in her legs as she struggled to find a comfortable position. The majority of the nausea she had felt earlier in the night had subsided, but she was left with an intense feeling of dread and sadness sitting low in her gut.

Before she could second guess herself, Clarke picked up her phone and scrolled through her contacts.

She answered after the second ring.

“Hello, Clarke, are you ok?”

“Hey mum.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! (kind of). Sorry for taking so long - work has been so hectic and I've barely had any time off to sit down and write. Hope this one is ok - as always any comments would be appreciated.

The last thing that Clarke expected when she called her mum was for her to turn up at her front door step less than an hour after hanging up the phone. Clarke had been pacing by the front door when Abby knocked gently. As soon as Clarke opened the door, Abby pushed through and wrapped her arms protectively around her daughter. There was something about a hug from your mother that made everything better. It brought a certain type of warmth and feeling of love that nothing else could ever come close to replicating. It felt comfortable and like home.

Clarke gripped onto the back of Abby’s light blue cotton shirt and pressed her face into her shoulder. “Everything’s falling apart” she sobbed “everything’s turning to shit, Mum.”

Without a word, Abby bent her knees and wrapped her arms tightly around Clarke’s waist. She hoisted her feet off the floor and shuffled towards Clarke’s bedroom with laboured steps. “That’s a lot harder now that you’re 21 and not 12” she said with a hint of humour, trying to diffuse some of Clarke’s agitation. “You’re my big girl now, you’re an adult and I’m so proud of you.”

Clarke sat down on her bed and pushed her hands through her hair, pulling it at the roots to try and ground herself with the slight pain it caused. Abby knelt down in front of her and placed her hands on Clarke’s knees, her thumbs rubbing the skin exposed by her pyjama shorts.

“Things might be falling apart, but you can put it back together. You are easily the most stubborn person I know – I know that you won’t give in without a fight. You won’t just let everything fall apart without a plan to rebuild.”

“But I don’t know how to fix this.” Clarke shrugged her shoulders in defeat and pulled her lips into a tight line, tasting the tears that had run down her cheeks and collected above her upper lip.

“Then don’t fix it” Abby said “start again.”

“I can’t start again with this, I can’t start again with Lexa.” Clarke paused to take in a breath, trying to calm down her racing thoughts. “We’ve come too far to start again.”

“Alright, no new start, that’s fine” Abby assured her, pulling Clarke’s hands into her own and gripping them tightly. “Whatever it is that’s got you upset, you will get through it.”

For a second Clarke considered not telling her. She thought about keeping it to herself until they knew for sure, but this was a secret she couldn’t hold from Abby.

“She might be sick” Clarke began, appreciating the warm and open look in Abby’s eyes. “Lexa might have Friedrich’s Ataxia, and I’ve done a lot of reading about it Mum. There’s no cure, basically no treatment. It’s just symptom management, and even that isn’t the greatest. And I want to be there for her, I really want to be there and hold her hand and tell her that we’ll get through it, but I’m not even sure if there is a ‘we’ in this scenario.”

“It sounds like you really care about her” Abby replied “Lexa is very lucky to have a friend like you.”

“That’s the thing Mum. She’s not just a friend, she’s more. I like her. A lot.” At the confession, Clarke felt as though another weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She hadn’t even realised that the secret had been adding so much pressure. “God, Mum, I really like her. And I know that this might seem like it’s coming out of nowhere and you’ll probably say that my feelings are all over the place because of everything that’s happening – but I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I knew how I felt about her before this bombshell, this doesn’t change anything for me.”

Without a word, Abby moved to sit next to Clarke and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, pulling her in for a long hug.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before” Clarke mumbled into Abby’s shoulder “I only recently figured it out myself.”

“Don’t apologise Clarke” Abby replied, running her fingers through her daughter’s knotty hair. “Thank you for telling me.”

“You’re not mad? Or upset?”

“Never Clarke, I could never be mad or upset at you for having feelings for someone” Abby held Clarke tighter and rocked them gently on the bed. “So long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Clarke gently pushed Abby so that they were lying down together. Although she felt small and childlike wrapped in her mother’s arms, Clarke revelled in the feeling of safety and warmth that it brought. Clarke let her eyes drift shut and she fell asleep to the sound of Abby humming in her ear.

\----

Lexa dragged her mattress through the house, stopping at her mum’s bedroom door to knock.

“Come in” Annette sing-songed from inside.

With a gentle shove, Lexa pushed through the door, pulling her bedding behind her, before she dumped it on the floor with a soft thud next to Annette’s bed. At the noise, Annette looked up from her iPad, taking in the image of her obviously distraught daughter.

“We haven’t had one of these in a while” she commented casually, knowing that Lexa wasn’t the biggest fan of confronting her emotions head on. Annette slid her glasses off and used the remote to lower her bed right down to the floor so they could be on the same level. “What’s the occasion?”

“Clarke.” Lexa said simply, fluffing up her pillow before all but slamming her body down onto the mattress.

“Aha” Annette nodded and smiled “and what is it about our dear friend Clarke that has you wanting to have a sleepover?”

Lexa squeezed her eyes shut and huffed out loud, crossing her arms over her chest. “I like her.”

“The sky is blue, water is wet, and my body doesn’t work properly!” She joked “tell me something I don’t know.”

“Wait – you knew?”

“Of course I knew! You’re my daughter!” Annette reached a hand out to grasp onto one of Lexa’s “I knew there was something ages ago, when you two were going to that ball. Before then even. I was just waiting for you to catch on.”  

“Was I really that obvious?”

“Not at all” Annette assured her “I just know you. I saw the way you would smile and talk to her – you actually wanted to see her even if you were tired. Plus, I caught Clarke checking out your ass in her first couple of weeks so I had my suspicions. Oh Lexa, the poor girl was so flustered whenever I brought you up. I’m terrible.”

Lexa’s eyes widened to almost a comical point at the new piece of information. “She was checking me out?”

“Oh all the time” Annette laughed and waved her hand “I just stopped taking notice to be honest. I was just waiting for one of you to make a move. Did you make a move? Did you ask her out? Do you need money to take her out for dinner? Do I need to make myself scarce for the weekend, because I can stay at a friend’s place.”

Lexa laughed, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. “No mum, I don’t need any money, and I don’t need you to make yourself scarce.” Lexa paused and leant back onto her hands, shrugging her shoulders as nonchalantly as possible. “Nothing’s going to happen between us.”

“And why the bloody hell not?”

“I can’t be with her, not when I’m – not when I’m like this.” Lexa explained “I don’t want to put her through that.”

“Lexa, dear, I hate to be the one to tell you, but sometimes I think you’ve got rocks in your head. If Clarke feels the same way for you as you do for her, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be together.” Annette smiled and held her hand out over the edge of the bed, wiggling her fingers until Lexa grasped onto it. “You’re allowed to be happy, you’re allowed to try.”

“But mum, if it doesn’t work out…what will we do? Who will take care of you?”

That was another fear of Lexa’s. While it was possible that they would work well as a couple and there would be no problems – Lexa was also worried that things would turn sour, leaving Annette in a lurch. It was obvious to anyone who knew Annette that she had been happier since Clarke began working with them. She had always been happy before – but Lexa could only do so much. While Annette was always grateful for all the hard work Lexa put in to make things normal, to take her out and spend time with her – there were only so many hours in the day. Juggling work, university and caring for her, Annette knew that Lexa was on the verge of burning out. Clarke was a godsend, and losing her would mean that Annette would lose one of the few social connections she has outside of her tightknit group of friends.

“Oh Lex” Annette squeezed Lexa’s hands and regarded her daughter. “Don’t let this slip past you because of me…I’ll be alright.”

“Mum…”

“I said I’ll be alright” she repeated, patting Lexa’s hand before bending to place a kiss against her warm skin. “I want you to be happy, and if being with Clarke will make you happy, then I want you to take that risk.”

Lexa nodded and slowly leant back to lie completely flat on her back, hands clasped in front of her and eyes to the ceiling. “What do I do now?” she asked, not articulating the depth of the question.

_What do I do about Clarke?_

_What do I do with the knowledge that I could be sick?_

_What do I do with the secrets?_

_What am I supposed to do when you go?_

Annette laughed and threw a jelly bean at Lexa’s head, forcing her to turn her head and make eye contact. “While I’ve never dated a beautiful girl before, I think that getting her flowers and asking her out for dinner would be a good start.”

\----

Lexa knocked on Clarke’s door and nervously shifted from foot to foot.

Maybe coming around so early was a bad idea? Clarke would most likely be asleep – it was before 10am on a Saturday after all.

She would probably hate Lexa for waking her up.

Bad idea. Definitely a bad idea.

“What’s a bad idea?”

Lexa’s head shot up at the sound of Clarke’s voice interrupting her thoughts.

“Coming here before 10am on a Saturday is a bad idea” Lexa explained, barely missing a beat “you’re usually asleep.”

“Yeah, well mum came over last night so she woke me up early for breakfast.” Clarke pulled the door open fully and stepped back, waving her arm “want to come in?”

Stepping over the threshold, Lexa took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She could do this, she was Lexa Woods. Lexa Woods could ask someone out on a date. She could do that. Easy.

Except Clarke was wearing a pair of sleep shorts and a loose fitting AC/DC shirt, her hair wild and unbrushed. Her smile was soft, and her eyes were still slightly hazy with sleep. How could anyone stay calm when she was looking like that?

_Just ask._ Lexa thought. _Clarke, can I take you out for dinner tonight? Just open your goddamn mouth and ask._

“You’re mum came over? How was that?”

_Good job Lexa._

Clarke smiled and played with the hem of her shirt, picking at the loose threading. “It was good. She’s still here actually.”

“She’s still here?” Lexa gripped the flowers in her hands tightly. The flowers she had forgotten about, the flowers she was supposed to give to Clarke as she walked in the door. Those flowers. “Your mother is here?”

“Yeah, it’s no big deal Lexa.” Clarke said dismissively, smiling gently at her.

Clarke really did have a nice smile, especially when it was early in the morning and she was still fresh from waking up and -

 “Exactly, no big deal” another voice called from the kitchen, breaking Lexa from her thoughts. “I’ll just wait in here until it’s safe. You two ladies carry on.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and gently nudged Lexa on the shoulder, shaking her out of her panic state.

“Don’t mind her” Clarke whispered “she likes to think she’s in with the kids.”

“I’m cool. Raven agrees.” The disembodied voice yelled back.

Clarke groaned good naturedly and pulled a face in the direction of the kitchen. Lexa couldn’t help but laugh, and the small gesture seemed to ease some of the tension.

She let her shoulders relax, whispered a quiet “you’ve got this” to herself, and held out the bunch of flowers to Clarke. Who cares if Mrs Griffin was in the vicinity, Lexa came with a mission to complete, and she was going to follow through. “These are for you.”

Clarke’s eyes widened slightly, a faint blush spreading across her cheeks. She took them without a word, her voice getting caught in her throat from sudden nervousness. Only yesterday Lexa was saying that she didn’t want to be in a relationship yet, that she wanted to work things out and see where things went.

“I would like to take you out for dinner tonight” Lexa said with confidence “on a date.”

Clarke grinned and nodded. “Yeah – yes, I would really like that.” She played with the string holding the bouquet together before she asked “what changed?”

“Nothing changed, I just realised that you were right, Clarke.” Lexa stated. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in my life, but after what happened yesterday, I just knew that I would regret not going with my heart. I would regret not being with you – and I don’t want any regrets.”   

Clarke grinned, unable to contain the sheer joy that was spreading through her body. Her stomach flipped and her limbs tingled with warmth and an itch to touch Lexa exactly how she wanted to. If there was ever any doubt that Clarke was attracted to the woman in front of her, that was all washed away. For the first time in her life, Clarke wanted to let go. She wanted to fall in love and give herself to Lexa. She wanted to share herself with the girl who cried during Big Hero 6, who could easily demolish an entire pizza to herself, and who would laugh at Clarke’s jokes even if they weren’t funny.

It was then that Clarke was hit with the realisation that she wasn’t falling for Lexa, she never had been falling for her. They were merely walking into this together. It wasn’t scary and it wasn’t sudden. It just happened. Every little moment was leading to this. Nobody had flicked a switch and changed the course of their lives – this had been what they were heading towards since the first time they met.

Clarke held her flowers close to her chest with one hand and placed her other hand on Lexa’s bicep. She leant forward and pressed her lips against Lexa’s cheek so quickly it almost felt like it didn’t happen at all. Except Lexa was blushing and blinking rapidly and Clarke felt that clench in her gut and yes, she did just kiss Lexa with a romantic connotation.

“I’ll do my best not to make you regret this.”

\----

Half an hour into their date and Lexa knew there was no way she could ever possibly regret asking Clarke out.

They were sitting in a tunnel in the park eating fish and chips, laughing between mouthfuls. The place Lexa had wanted to take Clarke was shut down, much to her dismay. After close to an hour of trying to decide what to eat, Clarke dragged Lexa inside the local fish and chip shop and recited their usual order (minimum chips, two potato cakes, four dim sims, a flake for Clarke and a burger with the lot for Lexa – though she would always let Clarke have a bite or two). Lexa led Clarke through the streets until she reached the park where just days ago Lexa had opened up about her health. Clarke had grinned like a child before grabbing Lexa by the hand to drag her to the tunnel.

It was rather uncomfortable. The metal was cold beneath their bodies, their backs curved awkwardly against the cylindrical wall, and Lexa’s feet were starting to go numb from being raised in the air for an extended period of time. But all of it was worth it to see the way Clarke’s eyes lit up when she laughed while telling Lexa a story.

Everything was easy with Clarke. She got the butterflies and the thumping in her chest, but overall Lexa felt that this was effortless. She didn’t have to try and impress Clarke, or be someone she wasn’t. Clarke liked her for who she was, regardless of the baggage she carried.

Lexa hadn’t realised that she had zoned out from what Clarke was saying until she felt a hand squeeze her knee gently.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Clarke whispered, wiggling side ways so her legs were pressed flush against Lexa’s.

Lexa smiled and placed her hand on top of Clarke’s, turning it over so she could intertwine their fingers. “Sorry – I was just thinking about how this is so easy with you. Despite everything, doing this, being with you, it’s easy. It’s…refreshing and beautiful.”

“I feel the same” Clarke agreed with a squeeze of Lexa’s hand.

“I wish we could stay here forever” Lexa said, her voice barely loud enough for Clarke to hear. “I want to stay in this moment forever. Everything is perfect and you’re here, I don’t want this feeling to end.”

“Ditto.” Clarke tilted her head and smiled lazily, toying with Lexa’s fingers. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re really beautiful?”

Lexa blushed slightly and ducked her head, hoping that the redness in her cheeks wasn’t visible in the darkness. “Yeah, you’ve told me quite a bit actually.”

“I really do think you’re beautiful.”

Finally Lexa looked up, and god, Clarke’s eyes. Even in the dark, she could see how her pupils had blown, barely any blue in sight. Her mouth was parted slightly and Lexa watched the rise and fall of her chest as she took in deep breaths.

Lexa shifted so she was sitting more upright, her face coming closer to Clarke’s. The air around them shifted and the night seemed to fall still. Clarke imitated Lexa’s motion and pulled herself completely upright – if she just went a little closer she could finally taste the lips she had dreamt about.

Without breaking eye contact, Lexa’s voice filled the silence. “Can I kiss you, Clarke?”

All Clarke could do was nod before she leant forward that fraction more to meet Lexa half way.

They sat unmoving with their lips pressed together for what felt like five minutes, but couldn’t have been any more than 10 seconds. Clarke’s heart felt like it was going to burst through her ribs and her lungs burned with the need to breathe (of course she had hayfever and couldn’t breathe through her nose). She pulled away slightly and opened her mouth to take in a breath before pushing closer into Lexa with renewed desire and force. Lexa brought a hand up to cradle the back of Clarke’s head as she parted her lips to bring Clarke’s upper lips between them.

Without parting lips, Clarke tilted her head to the side and sighed into the kiss, marvelling at how soft Lexa’s lips felt against her own. She could taste the faint residue of the paw paw chapstick she was constantly applying, salt and vinegar from their dinner, and something uniquely _Lexa_ she just couldn’t describe. She brought the hand that wasn’t holding onto Lexa’s to rest on her hip, slipping onto the warm skin that had been exposed as her shirt rode up.

Lexa lifted her body, trying to pull herself closer to Clarke. Her hands itched with the desire to explore, to finally touch the body she had fantasied about on more than one occasion. Clarke rose onto her knees, leaning over Lexa slightly and she could only hang on for the ride as Clarke’s tongue slipped into her mouth. Still she needed to be closer. With all the courage she had left, Lexa untangled her hands from Clarke’s hair and moved them to grip onto her hips, pulling her to straddle her lap. As soon as they were pressed chest to chest Lexa pulled her mouth away from Clarke’s to suck in a breath, her heart racing and lips tingling. She ducked her head and let her lips slide along the soft skin of Clarke’s neck, sucking softly just below her jaw.

“Shit.” Clarke’s quiet curse broke the silence that had fallen upon the pair.

Fearing that she had done something wrong, Lexa began to pull back, only to feel Clarke’s hand hold her head in place. Honestly she had no clue what she was doing – but despite that, Clarke seemed to be enjoying herself and that was all that Lexa cared about.

Clarke’s pants and quiet moans filled the air as her hips rolled gently into Lexa’s. Part of Lexa couldn’t help but worry about how fast they were moving, but the other part rationalised that they had been holding back these desires for so long that it was the perfect pace.

Clarke’s left hand moved down her own body before gripping onto Lexa’s right hand that was resting on her hip. “Touch me” she pleaded in a whisper, dragging Lexa’s hand up her body to sit just below her breasts, “please.”

This time it was Lexa’s turn to moan as she moved her hand that little bit higher until she was gently cupping Clarke’s breast. Lexa pulled her lips away from the soft skin of Clarke’s neck and kissed her way up to her lips. Gone was the intensity of earlier, replaced with soft desire and gentle caresses. Clarke was still rolling her hips and pushing her chest into Lexa’s hand, but was holding Lexa’s face in her hands with such gentleness that both felt grounded and safe.

They were so caught up in each other that neither heard the footsteps of someone approaching.

“Hey” a male called out, shining a light into the tunnel. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Clarke jumped off of Lexa’s lap and dragged her out of the either side of the tunnel, cursing silently under her breath.

“What’s your problem?” Clarke asked, still gripping onto Lexa’s hand.

The man looked at the two girls with an eyebrow raised in question.

“Clarke” Lexa whispered urgently, trying to pull her away from the man.

“No, I want to know what his problem is” Clarke responded stubbornly, glaring at the man with a look of challenge in her eyes.

Lexa resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “Clarke, he’s a cop.”

Clarke’s eyes widened as she noticed the light blue uniform and hat the man was wearing.

“Oh shit” she mumbled. “Sorry officer, my bad…we’re just going to…you know we have to go.”

Without waiting for a response, Clarke pulled Lexa and jumped off of the playground equipment, landing on the tanbark before taking off.

They ran until their lungs burned and their legs felt like jelly (which in all honestly didn't take too long, neither Clarke nor Lexa enjoyed cardio that much).

“I think we lost him” Lexa panted, slowly down to a stop “I don’t think he was even following us.” She pulled on Clarke’s hand, making her back collide into her chest. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist and held her as she laughed and tried to catch her breath.

“That was quite the experience” Clarke said when she caught her breath, tipping her head back to rest on Lexa’s shoulder.

“The making out bit, or being caught by a cop?” Lexa asked, swaying the two of them gently on the spot as her fingers traced patterns on Clarke’s hands.

“Both. Things were going very well until that douche canoe showed up.”

“That they were” Lexa agreed. She pressed a kiss onto Clarke’s neck, where a red patch had formed from their earlier escapades. “Sorry it didn’t end the best though.”

“I suppose we’ll just have to go on another date then” Clarke said, shrugging her shoulders and grinning to herself. “Just to make up for the fact that we got busted.”

“You read my mind.”


	20. AUTHOR'S NOTE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically I'm a shit person for not updating, and this is me apologising and explaining

Hey pals,

First off, I'm so sorry for the massive delay in updating. When I started this, my aim was to get a chapter out every week. That worked for the first couple of chapters, but then everything literally turned to shit. As some people may have read, I've started working as an RN on a psych ward. I'm going to be honest here - a lot of the stuff I see has really fucked me up and I just need some time to process all of that and consider career options and shit. Because of that, updates will be quite sporadic.

I love writing and it's something that helps me relax, but with everything going on at work, and with the post-grad study I'm doing as well, I find I don't nearly have enough time to write the type of quality I want to. Especially with this story, which I find a bit mentally draining to write due to its content.

That being said, I am working on finishing a couple little short one-shots that have been sitting on my USB for more than a year. I'll still be updating this story, I just don't know when. 

 

Thanks guys :D 

 

If you feel like it, let me know how you're going - how's your day been? What have you been up to?! Things aren't the greatest in the world at the moment, so I hope everyone is coping alright.


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